Thursday, December 29, 2011

Waste Managment

A Chinese writer named Chen Wei, was sentenced to 9 years in prison Friday for publishing an essay that was critical of china’s government and communist political system, and ive been too lazy to write a new blog. This demonstration of one nations restrictions on free speech have me thinking about my own privileges and what i've done to both abuse and waste them.

Every day i realize more and more how much i have and how much of it i take for granted. At first it started with food and starving children around the world who have none. Then, as i got older, it was clothes, then warmth, shelter, education etc. Now that im 20, ive started noticing even more things i would never have understood at a younger age. The right to vote, for example, a right thats abused by half of the population every election. But the right to free speech is whats on my mind now. This is a right that is both abused and wasted by almost all of those who are fortunate enough to have it bestowed upon them. Theres proof of this too. Just look at all the facebook statuses and twitter updates that are constantly popping up online. At least 90% of them are just garbage. We are privileged with the right to express our thoughts and ideals in whatever way we want and were facebooking about how little of last nights party we remember. Most people never think twice about the fact that they can walk into a mall and yell out “FUCK STEVEN HARPER HES A SHITTY PRIME MINISTER AND THE LIBERALS SUCK” and yet, the second you confront someone about polluting a bus with profane language over your cellphone conversation, they immediately remember their God given right to free speech.

When we look at all of this it seems like im making a big deal of something trivial that isnt hurting anyone. So you updated your status to your favourite Ben & Jerrys ice cream flavour with a heart next to it, thats not hurting anyone. Maybe not, but heres a man in China who was AWARE of his restrictions but who STILL decided to face the full consequences of posting something he felt could inspire a revolution. Heres a man who felt that 9 years of prison was nothing compared to a lifetime of potential geniuses and leaders being oppressed by their government and who decided he was going to accept the fallout of his actions, no matter how unjust, in exchange for a chance to speak out against his oppressors. This really puts in perspective what we have and what were wasting, like the privilege to say something smart out loud, that we instead use to say something stupid. With the type of freedom we have comes a responsibility to use it wisely and effectively, something many of us have failed to do.
I for one would gladly give up my right to free speech if it meant Chen Wei could have it instead, cause he would put it to much better use that me. I mean, look at this blog for fuck sake. I make myself gonna go pour hot wax on to my chest..that'll teach me.

Monday, October 3, 2011

Stand and Deliver

Tuesday, September 17th, 2011; a date that will forever go down in history as the the first night I ever performed a set at a comedy club. The day leading up to that set was largely unfruitful. I woke up with productive intentions. I was going to run some errands, do some shopping, and then devote the remainder of my time towards practising my set. When 6 pm rolled around, naturally, the only thing I had done all day was eat, mill around the house, and watch Lord of the Rings, which is the type of behaviour one should expect of me whenever I'm given free time. Eventually, the time to leave for the club came around and, despite my lack of preparation, I was calmer than a tranquilized cucumber. I figured the small amount of preparation I had was sufficient, and that in the event of any unforeseen circumstances, I could just rely on my impeccable improvisation skills just like I did through-out high school. As the minutes passed, however, I found myself growing more and more anxious. This was the only thing in my life I really wanted to do and I was about to wing it for no reason other than sheer laziness. Then the negativity started. “You're not worth the opportunities you've been given, you lazy ass”, I thought to myself.
I arrived at the club and took my seat. The show started and we were blazing through the acts at a frightening rate. With every passing comic, I could feel my heart rate gradually getting faster. Then it was the last comic before me presenting and I knew it was fight or flight at this point. (For the record, my heart rate is actually going up as I recollect on this moment and try to illustrate it with words) In the 11th hour, though, the most peculiar idea dawned upon me and suddenly I was calm. I figured, it's my first time doing stand up and I'm about to waste it by trying to be funny. There it was, my always reliable, divine last minute epiphany, as though god himself channelled me so that he could see a good show.
My name was called and I went up on stage, and, right off the bat, I was presented with a problem. I was up too early and the girl before me hadn't finished setting up the mic stand. After what felt like the most awkward eternity ever, she set up the stage, shook my hand, and left the stage in a frantic rush leaving me to deal with the silence. I took a deep breathe, smiled, and calmly said, “Well that was awkward...I came too early” It was smooth sailing from that point on. I sat on the stool and told the crowd I just wanted to take in the moment that was my first set, so I just sat and looked out at them. It wasn't much of a set, but they ate it up nonetheless. After a quick joke, the red light turned on and, just like that, the sweetest two minutes I ever experienced were over. I was hooked. I was ready for another round in the arena. Drop whatever beasts you want in with me, I was ready to die for this.
After our sets were done, I rounded up some of the crowd and we all went out for celebratory drinks. I intended on trying a seasonal harvest beer by Sam Adams they had, but settled for a different craft beer called Barking Squirrel. I was very satisfied with this product. I made friends with the bar tenders and got to taste the new beer anyways. It turned out to be a pretty good night...until we decided to go to McDonalds...
I got a bunch of people craving McDonalds, something I've gotten exceedingly good at over the years, and, after paying our bills, we started to head over. I ended up having to wait for my company who had to use the bathroom just as we were leaving. Eventually we got over to the McDonalds just as everyone else was leaving, but I still wanted my burger. Me and my two friends, Jay and Mike, ordered our food in the crowded restaurant which, oddly enough, was still bustling at 1am. The crowd in the store consisted of some students with open books in front of them sitting at one of the tables; three British soccer fans wearing matching jerseys who remind me of the soccer heads from eurotrip; and a drunk, loud, gay black guy wearing a trilby. Me and my “col lieges” made small talk with the Brit's and found they were visiting from Whales. It was going rather smoothly until the drunk guy started throwing his garbage at Mikes face. As politely as possible, Mike ignored him and continued the conversation. The drunk also continued. Then, after he ran out of garbage, he decided the most productive thing for him to do at that point in his life was to spit his partially masticated big mac on Mikes face...
Needles to say, temperatures were flared at this point and the yelling began. Tensions grew and although nobody exchanged any punches, I had lost my appetite in all the commotion. I ate one of my burgers, but where there was usually pleasure laced with the guilt of eating fast food, there was only guilt. While walking to the subway, I was about to eat my second burger when I saw a homeless woman mumbling to herself and decided it could go to better use. I handed her the burger. She took it and continued mumbling. I would be lying if I said I wasnt expecting a “thank you”, but im also not offended I didnt get one. She had more important things on her mind.
As I neared the subway stop I looked around at some construction workers paving the road, now that it was quiet, and reflected on the nights happenings. I felt it was one of the more eventful nights I had had in a long time and just as I was about to cross the street and go down in to the subway, my heel sunk in to some fresh asphalt. Normally I would be concerned for the well being of my shoes, but I found myself smiling instead. See, my shoe was nothing a little soap and water couldnt fix and I had just immortalized this most memorable night of my life by leaving a heel print on the very street it took place on. 

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Just A Small Piece Of My Strange Day

Today i saw a girl hit the back of a parked truck while riding her bike. The site of her crashing wasnt nearly as disturbing as her painful cries for help. As i ran across the street i failed to remember to check both ways myself. Luckily i was ok. She was a different story, though. She kept yelling about her arm and how she thought she might have broken it. I was more concerned about her spine. By now a cop had run over followed by a small group of spectators and maybe one or two people. I fell in the former category while the latter were down by her side comforting her and assuring her it was going to be ok. I dont know why i froze. I always do in these situations. When i look back i find myself wishing i had done more. At the very least, i wish i told the police officer not to move her around so much. Already having been late for a show with friends i decided to leave. I asked the police officer if there was anything i could do to help. When he said no i was on my way.
Shaken by the entire situation i found it difficult to focus on where i was going and what i was doing. On the one hand i had a show to get to and there were multiple people around, plus a police officer, to help her. On the other hand i find myself regretting leaving and wishing i had done more. Missing a show is nothing to me if i know i could help someone in a situation like that. There wasnt much i could bring to the table anyways other than misplaced comical relief, and i didnt feel like being myself at the time. I much rather would have been one of my sisters whose extensive knowledge on first aid would have been needed.
Just makes me wonder if anything in my head will ever be needed...

Saturday, July 30, 2011

I used to get mail...

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Billy Got No Talent

The only reason i can think of for having gone to Heavy T.o., REALLY, was just so that at a later point in my life i could say "Well...I was at the FIRST Heavy T.o. back when it used to be good" This is actually my motivation for a lot of the things i do and already im starting to reconsider my choice in school for september. But anyways, we left at about noon to get to the show. Slowly as we got closer to out destination via TTC, more and more band-shirt wearing fans began to collect on the subway carts. By the time we got to the last bus, it was clearly just a mob of metal heads. When we finally got at the park i was greated with a quarter mile walk to the two stages in the distance. We had arrived just in time to miss the first two shitty bands and catch Volbeat instead, a band which i had never heard before but actually didnt mind all that much. Mostly because of the lead singers adorable danish accent.
    As they started playing i began to walk around and look for a vendor who was giving out earplugs (shut up). After going kiosk to kiosk for about half an hour i finally found ONE place that was selling them, a pair for TWO DOLLARS. Now, two dollars doesnt seem like much but when you look at it by its cost to weight ratio, its the most expensive thing ive ever purchased. So i bought them but immediatly found myself scared to wear them. I guess by walking around my subconscious decided for my brain that i was in danger and i couldnt relax. As i was walking i kept looking at people. Everyone had tattoos and spacers and piercings. Christ, the peircings. Its no wonder they didnt have a metal detector when getting in, if someone wanted to sneak in a gun they could just hide it in their face. I came to the conclusion that my best bet was to just avoid eye contact with everyone. They could smell the fear. I looked up and somebody walking by locked eyes with me and at that moment i knew he wanted to eat me. All i could think of was the scene from sean of the dead where everyone had to blend in with the zombies, so i simply did as the zombies did and threw him the horns while yelling 'SLAAYYYYERRRRR"...there was a split second of uncertainty, but then he returned my salute.
I was with matthew whose mom kindly provided us with ice cold bottles of water before the show, you know, those big two litre ones. My biggest mistake of the day would by far have to be drinking all of it so early in the day. What had happened was i immediatly became thirsty but had to pee desperatly at the same time, which made me feel somewhat ungrateful in a way. I told matt i was taking a leak and was off to find the bathroom. At the back of the park was lined a few dozen porta pottis. People plunked in and out of random ones. I stood in contimplation for a minute but knew i couldnt hold it in for seven more hours. With no way of telling which of the identical stalls was cleaner on the inside than the other, i said a quick prayer and chose one. I felt like i was on that game show "Uh Oh!" where you pick the wrong door and they drop a bunch of green stuff on you, except in my head the green stuff was blue...and littered with hundred of different peoples shit. It wasnt that bad. I did my best not to touch anything and was on my way.
I met back up with matthew and was watching mastadon. Next to me stood two of the biggest, scariest, Kerry King looking guys i had ever stood that close to in my life. One of them was smoking a marijuana cigarette. I knew what it smelt like cause ive been around the block a few times in my day. I was pretty tense, trying to look scarier so that nobody fucked with me, but its hard to look scary to a guy whose boot probably weighed more than me. Half way through this thought though he turned to me and offered me a puff od his joint, and with that gesture all my feelings of fear were immediatly replaced instead with a warming sense of welcome and hospitality. I kindly refused and carried on with my heroin when matt wanted to move up.

A few shows had passed and at about mid day i started to feel hungry, probably from the contact high i had acquired from being around...the air in the park. I told matt i was going for food and proceeded to hunting.The only food that appealed to me was hot dogs. I hate hot dogs by the imagine the other choices. Anyways I ordered one and the guy said "five dollars". "WHAT IS THIS, PANDA MEAT!?" i yelled. He laughed and continued to grill the black and white sausage. Since the guy laughed I just pretended part of the five bucks was to feel funny and bought one. As I walked away I took a bite and choked breifly after remembering how much I just paid for a hot dog, though. I eventually finished it and within ten minutes, i wanted water. Of course a small bottle of water is three dollars and a blow job and of course i paid it, it was fucking hot. On second thought, though i should have just bought one from a vendor...

Slayer came on and a bunch of shit happened and it was really fun- the REAL highlight of the night was watching billy talent ACTUALLY GO ON STAGE AND PLAY. Bottles started finding their way to the stage, one of them full of coke actually hit the drummer head on. I thought this was a sad display of behaviour for a bunch of alleged "music fans" but in the end they shouldnt have been there and it was pretty funny to watch. I cant imagine what Mrs. Talent was going through watching that from home though. Poor woman.

If you replace all the people with chimps and put a big banana on stage you would have a similar effect.

Saturday, June 25, 2011

Mayor Leaves CIty During High Concentrations Of Gay Behavior

WELL well would seem that this whole time that i THOUGHT i was writing blog after amazing blog, i was instead in a comatose like state of laziness, which is a shame because i feel like some of the blogs i thought i wrote were really good. However the time has come  to wake up to reality and actually write A BLOG, and i have JUST the topic. While i read the newspaper today, i decided that the most prominent bit of news to talk about is how the mayor of the city isnt going to the gay pride parade and why i seem to have more common sense than these figures and yet am STILL not aloud to use some of the equipment at work.

Past mayors David Miller, Mel Lastman and Barbara Hall have all marched in torontos pride parade, and have shown their dedication to the community by doing so. Mayor Ford, however, recently stated that he wasnt going to be attending the parade because he instead needed to upkeep a family tradition of going up to the cottage on canada day weekend, presumably to get shit faced and have sex with his cousins. Yes, it seems cottaging is more important than attending one of the biggest parades YOUR CITY is hosting.

Now, i dont know what his dad's did to him when he was little, but apparantly it had to do with Fords immune system because hes scared he might catch the ``gay`` if he attends the gay pride parade. Over the course of Ford's campaign he has managed to establish that him and the gay community dont exactly "get along". By consistently not taking part in gay events through out the city and making comments that range anywhere between "slightly homophobic" to "why the FUCK did we vote for this guy", the mayor has made it clear where he stands on the subject of homosexuality...and book reading. In 2006, Mayor Ford had this to say about aids..

"It is very preventable. If you are not doing needles and you are not gay, you wouldn’t get AIDS probably, that’s the bottom line.”

A mayor..a mayor said this...not some misinformed teacher that was accidentally hired by a principle who didnt sleep the night before the job interview...a mayor, elected by approximately three million torontonians, all of which, dont deserve the democratic voting system they so embarrassingly abuse.

This is a man who cant understand why more women were diagnosed with aids than men in toronto, and suggested that “Maybe they’re sleeping with bisexual men.”

Its at this point in my blog where id like to stop and tell a little story. This is a story about a little german boy who grew up with a unique set of beliefs. His beliefs were his own and he never acted upon them...until he managed to work his way up in the political ranking system until he got high enough to acquire the influence necessary to start a holocaust and exterminate three million people that belonged to a specific group who HE thought didnt deserve the same rights as him because of their beliefs and lifestyle. He did all this by hiding his beliefs until it was safe for him to express them. Then, slowly but surely, the people began to blindly follow their leader like sheep following a sheep herder. And ladies and gentlemen...did you know that little boy grew up to be.....Adolf Hitler! Thats right.

Now, am i suggesting that the city of Toronto is comparable to sheep in its beliefs? No, although personally i dont trust people in general if theyre in groups larger than three. I AM suggesting, however, that its not worth finding out first hand. As mean as it is to compare Rob Ford to Hitler, if he cares about all humans and wants to show it, he'll understand that by making this comparison hes helping me prove a point. This is why comments like the ones above shouldnt be tolerated on ANY level.

The MINUTE a political figure refers to a specific group of people, and then refers to the REST of the worlds people in the same sentence, the warning lights should go off, and we should rise as one to slay them.

This is a rule ive created as a general guideline, and it works. You CANT get around it. Watch.

"I think all people are equal"   =   GOOD!

"I think all people, and blacks, are equal.   =   WARNING LIGHTS!

See! So What im trying to say is that people need to learn how to recognize the early signs of danger so that we can stop it before we accidentally empower someone who will turn canada into the next germany. NOT that theres anything wrong with germany, theyre cool and produce nice cars and all...but iiiiiii dont knooow if im ready to take my eye off of them yet...

Monday, May 30, 2011

So a deer walks in to a bar...

 Its been a while and ive been busy, what with the newborn and all, so heres a quick update on recent events.

Our family got a puppy recently and hes super cute but weve completely spoiled him and now hes got the dog equivelent to ADHD. This in turn has led to me taking the role of "disaplinarian" in the house because i dont want him to live the same life i did, getting kicked out of his classes, being put on medication and eventually wanting to become a comedian for a living. I want him to grow up stable and healthy, maybe become a doctor, who knows. In the mean time ive been laying down the hammer and sparing no expences in his schooling. Waking up, feeding him on time, as many walks a day as he needs, EVERYthing. Ill let you guys know how that works out.
in other news, i recently did a twelve hour shift at work and was slowly going crazy due to pent up anger from not getting to go home. Before the end of the night, however, a potato sent from God himself i believe, that was shaped like the male reproductive organ appeared and made my day. Theres a picture of that potato below. Viewer Discretion is adviced. Afterwards however i found another potato that resembled a heart (be it a very unhealthy heart). I kept this potato aside and waited for my manager to come by. When i saw her, i called her over and offered her the heart shaped spud and said "Take my heart, but please dont bake it." She laughed and thought it was cute. I have her right where i want her :).
Last thing i can talk about before i fall asleep on my keyboard is the bb gun i just bought. Just a cheap daisy red ryder but fun none the less. Me and francesco went to a parking lot near a park to test it out, and it worked. Not well, but it worked well enough. Then the sights fell off. Its what i get for buying the cheapest gun there was. Anyways, we looked for the sights for about 45 minutes and called the quits at about 1am.
Heres the interesting part..
So just as were leaving the parking lot (facing the park and trees) four giant, fullsized deer, yes DEER, come out of the trees and start nibbling on the leaves and branches. This was a family of DEER. How they managed to survive in such a small park is beyond me but i saw them. I tried to take a picture but it was too dark. Not that it mattered anyways , cause by the time i put my phone in my pocket the dear were already under attack by francesco and MY bb of the smaller dear got hit and ran away frantically taking its family with it...
So that was my short encounter with a pack of dear. I hope i get another chance to see these dear and maybe watch them for a bit, seeing as i feel a natural kinship with wild animals. Duck, deer, hummingbirds, all creatures are my family. Heres hoping.

Anyways im tired and my left eye just fell asleep so ill talk to you later. Goodnight.
Only after i uploaded this photo did i realize how stupid my blogs have gotten..
Take my heart, but please dont BAKE it.

Saturday, April 30, 2011

My New Friend (REVISED)

After accidentally hitting "F" instead of "D" on the keyboard during my last blog, and laughing EVERY time, i thought id "improve" the blog and post it again with all the "ducks" replaced with "fucks". Enjoy.

Today I woke up to a tapping at my window. I feel like Edgar Allan Poe. Initially, I wrote off the tapping as raindrops being blown off the roof and landing on my window, seeing as there were only five or six taps at a time. But after a few more taps it struck me that the tapping was in the same spot every time. Well, this called for investigation. Expecting to see a tree branch or squirrel at my window, I pulled apart my curtains and jumped back in shock from what I saw…a fuck. A fuck had been tapping on my window all morning. Did it want something? Was it lost? I don’t know, but as soon as I made eye contact with the fuck, who was equally as surprised as I was, it started slowly waddling backwards, almost as though to say, “Whoa dude. My bad, wrong house…”
Anyways, after coming to my senses I ran to the kitchen for bread so that I could feed my unexpected guest. I grabbed a slice of bread off. It was an end piece because nobody in my family likes that part, thus making it the most expendable. When I returned, however, I couldn’t see the fuck anywhere. It had left, just like that. Im not sure if it had to do with the bugs bunny plushie laying on my bed or the fucks natural disposition towards rabbits…and there hunting season, but either way, the fuck was gone. Regardless, I opened my window and threw out some torn up pieces of bread in hopes that it would return. It still hasn’t, but tomorrow is another day so heres hoping.
I cant explain why im so excited about this fuck, but I really want it to come back. I think about making friends with it by slowly earning its trust with small food offerings and eventually building a friendship. I told my friend ana how I felt about the fuck and she said it was just sad, which is true, but ill explain my feelings anyways. See, life’s been getting me down lately. Work sucks so every time I finish im left in a bad mood, but I don’t have any friends to go to cause theyre all tied up with school, and its not like I have a girlfriend cause im too busy with other things like…lego and shit…anyways, all of this has left me feeling lonely and depressed lately.  But then, out of nowhere, heres this fuck that just comes tapping into my life…and…I don’t know…I guess I just feel like life would be a little bit better if I knew that this fuck was looking forward to seeing me everyday because being able to make this fuck happy and knowing that im important to someone would make me happy…so if youre reading this…please come back to my window tomorrow. It’s the bottom left one with the Buddha statuette in it. Ill be waiting with an entire loaf of bread…

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

My New Friend

Today I woke up to a tapping at my window. I feel like Edgar Allan Poe. Initially, I wrote off the tapping as raindrops being blown off the roof and landing on my window, seeing as there were only five or six taps at a time. But after a few more taps it struck me that the tapping was in the same spot every time. Well, this called for investigation. Expecting to see a tree branch or squirrel at my window, I pulled apart my curtains and jumped back in shock from what I saw…a duck. A duck had been tapping on my window all morning. Did it want something? Was it lost? I don’t know, but as soon as I made eye contact with the duck, who was equally as surprised as I was, it started slowly waddling backwards, almost as though to say, “Whoa dude. My bad, wrong house…”
Anyways, after coming to my senses I ran to the kitchen for bread so that I could feed my unexpected guest. I grabbed a slice of bread off. It was an end piece because nobody in my family likes that part, thus making it the most expendable. When I returned, however, I couldn’t see the duck anywhere. It had left, just like that. Im not sure if it had to do with the bugs bunny plushie laying on my bed or the ducks natural disposition towards rabbits…and there hunting season, but either way, the duck was gone. Regardless, I opened my window and threw out some torn up pieces of bread in hopes that it would return. It still hasn’t, but tomorrow is another day so heres hoping.
I cant explain why im so excited about this duck, but I really want it to come back. I think about making friends with it by slowly earning its trust with small food offerings and eventually building a friendship. I told my friend ana how I felt about the duck and she said it was just sad, which is true, but ill explain my feelings anyways. See, life’s been getting me down lately. Work sucks so every time I finish im left in a bad mood, but I don’t have any friends to go to cause theyre all tied up with school, and its not like I have a girlfriend cause im too busy with other things like…lego and shit…anyways, all of this has left me feeling lonely and depressed lately.  But then, out of nowhere, heres this duck that just comes tapping into my life…and…I don’t know…I guess I just feel like life would be a little bit better if I knew that this duck was looking forward to seeing me everyday because being able to make this duck happy and knowing that im important to someone would make me happy…so if youre reading this…please come back to my window tomorrow. It’s the bottom left one with the Buddha statuettein it. Ill be waiting with an entire loaf of bread…

Monday, April 18, 2011

Knife Safety With Alex

Part I
The Restaurant

I cut my finger open recently at work. It was a Saturday night, super busy.  I remember I was supposed to leave about fifty times that day. I started at 9am and every time I was about to leave, somebody would run out of something and I would have to make it. 

6pm: “Alex! Were out of stuffed mushrooms!”
6:30pm:”Alex! We need more Hawaiian Rib Eye Marinade!”
            7pm: “Alex! This stuffed mushrooms and rib eye marinade tastes like shit make it again!”

Just as im finishing up and about to leave, the salad guy runs out of crumbled blue cheese. Well, fuck, Im a block of blue cheese away from going home. My initial instinct is to put together the grating machine which quickly and SAFELY crumbles the blue cheese. But as I begin to assemble the machine, my then kitchen manager approached me with a revolutionary concept. Why not… get ready for it…crumble the blue cheese….WITH A KNIFE! At the time, his method seemed as logical as painting a wall with a fork, so I couldn’t help but ask for clarification. It remained just as logical. My clarification was a hand gesture of what I should do with the knife…this is the extent of my works training. I imagine his safety course consisted of a hand puppet telling workers that if at any point during the day they see blood on the cutting board, they should stay where they are and wait for an adult to come find them. But I digress, this is subject for another blog…or legal statement, whichever comes first. So I begin trying to cut the slick, greasy, round edge of the blue cheese wheel. Slicing the blue cheese thin enough to crumble was one obstacle, but holding the wheel in place so that it didn’t slide around was another problem. In order to safely cut anything, your one hand needs to always be out of dangers way. However, in order to hold the blue cheese in place, I ended up having to put my hand directly IN dangers way, and danger, as fate would have it, was determined not to let anything get in its way.  
                The knife went along my finger and sliced it open with the ease of a lightsaber through a confederate droid. My immediate reaction wasn’t anger but instead amazement at the sight of a wound similar to those in 300 and Gladiator. I took a moment to re-enact my favourite scene, then it was off to seek first aid. Armed with a tiny alcoholic swab and a bandage, I went to the bathroom and and started rinsing off my cut. I realized when the bandage wouldn’t stick to my finger cause of all the blood that I might need something else. Back to the first aid box I went. At this point, I was standing there with one arm under my armpit and another rummaging through the equipment looking for something that looked like a med kit from Call of Duty. I grabbed a few things and went back to the bathroom to try them out. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t find an application for any of it, though, in retrospect the eye wash bottle was a wasted attempt. By this point I had dripped blood all over the floor and sink and pretty much everything else in the bathroom, and managed to leave a pretty solid trail of blood leading to the first aid box as well. My friend Jason saw this and decided to investigate, and, it just so happens I forgot to lock the bathroom door. So Jason opens the door and bears witness to a room covered in blood and me frantically trying to bandage myself up with pretty much the most useless medical equipment I could have grabbed. He saw the cut and said, “Bro, bro…you gotta go to the hospital bro.” So I wrapped some paper towel around my finger and discreetly walked up to my manager who was in the middle of…pretty much preparing and sending out thirty plates of food on the busiest night of the week and said, “James, are you busy” This turned out to be a bad choice of words so I reworded my statement. “When you get a mo’ I kinda need to see you in the back” And with all the subtly in the world, he yelled out “WHAT DID YOU DO!? DID YOU CUT YOURSELF!? SON OF A BITCH!” Everyone knowing about my injury really didn’t help but at least he got the message. So we go to the back and he wraps my finger up and gives me forty bucks for a cab to the hospital. I got my stuff and was leaving the restaurant when he yelled out one last thing, “Make SURE you get a receipt from the taxi!” His concern for my well being was heart warming and almost had me in tears. Just like that I was off to spend my Saturday night in the emergency waiting room. Who knows what evil lurks in the dark dank of Scarborough General Hospital…

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Conversations With Francesco

Alexander Varoutas says
lets go to mcdonals
i want pie

Francesco Lo Presti says
brah i'm tired

Alexander Varoutas says
i know me too
...lets go

Francesco Lo Presti says
k but gimme a bit i wanna be sure my dads slepping before i take the carz0r

Alexander Varoutas says
*grabs hammer*

Friday, April 1, 2011

Alex Tries Mixed Martial Arts

My initial blog was supposed to be about trying mixed martial arts the other day but i realized two paragraphs in that i didnt laugh once and instead just shuddered every time i tried to put in words how uncomfortable i was while being man handled by guys i didnt know from all angles while pinned against the floor struggling for air away from the PERSPIRATION OH GOD THE HORROR!
Anyways, instead im going to write about the recent change of heart ive had about my job.
I recently got promoted to prep cook at my job. Im working full time hours preparing the food in the restaurant. i was never sure that i wanted to work in a kitchen but i thought i could try it and see where it takes me. After all, if my career in writing fell through, culinary was always my back up. I now know that it isnt my back up, and that i would sooner beg for change than work as a cook in the food service industry. Now this might now be entirely because of the cooking cause i still like cooking a meal. But its not the same in a restaurant. When you make dinner for a girl, its something special cause youve poured effort in to something and toiled over it for at least a few hours, and you get to enjoy the benefits later that night because of it. But in a restaurant, the customers are SO opposed to you asking for sex even though YOU made their meal. That was the first time i had ever been written up.
But its not even the absence of sex with the customers that bugs me the most. The part that bugs me the most about my job is that i suck at bad. SO bad it hurts. Literally. My fingers are all burnt and cut up cause i suck at this job so much. And worse than that is that i was promoted so i cant quit or ask to move cause then i would just seem like an ungrateful prick. So now im stuck doing this job, full time, until September when i go back to school. Now, you might be thinking "Oh alex, just tough it out till then, its not like you have anything to lose"
But thats not the way i see it. See, this was the first job i have ever had where i felt like i had the slightest iota of respect from my co-workers, and i always felt that was because i was doing well and always trying hard. But now, im doing something i suck at, everyones talking about it, and im constantly bitching about how much i hate the job, which leads me to believe that im slowly losing the respect of everyone i work with. If this is true, then by September i should hate this job as much every other job ive ever had, and eventually lose my ambition for life. THIS will in turn affect the way i perform in school, ill drop out of school, take up drugs and be homeless. This is what i imagine will happen if i dont find a way out of this new job position.
Of course, i could always try harder but then im scared instead of just burning and pricking my fingers, ill cut them off all together or end up cutting off somebody elses, which seems much more difficult but i wouldnt put it past me.

Friday, March 25, 2011


How can i describe the feeling i got when i saw my acceptance to humbers comedy writing program?
Well...imagine how harry potter felt when he got his acceptance letter to hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry via a magical own. Then put him on ecstasy. Then put him and hermione alone in a bedroom together with two wands. Two vibrating wands...
THATS what it feels like.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Tim Hortons

A sketch by me and francesco. Something along the lines of this happened in real life so feel free to think of guy 1 as me and guy 3 as francesco.

(Guy 1 enters the Tim Horton’s and approaches the counter with guy 3.)
Guy 1: Hi. How much is a large chai tea.
Guy 2: $1.79, sir.
Guy 1: Oh wow, and how much for a small?
Guy 2: $1.29 sir.
Guy 1: And am I getting a bigger tea bag for the large price?
Guy 2: sir. It’s the same tea just more water.
Guy 1: So you’re telling me that the price goes up with respect to how much hot water I'm getting?
Guy 2: I guess so.
Guy 1: So if I get a large cup and pay the large price, I only get a little bit more water and that’s it?
Guy 2: Yes.
Guy 1: And you think that’s a just reason to charge me 50 cents more than a small?

(Guy 3 smirks at Guy 1)

Guy 2: Well, I don’t do the pricing but I’m guessing the people at head office came to this conclusion...
Guy 1: So you’re telling me that if I don’t have that extra fifty cents, I can’t get a large tea? EVEN though I’m still getting the same tea bag?
Guy 2:...I guess so. Yes...
Guy 1: so then if IM being charged for the water and NOT the tea COULDNT I in theory have the teabag for free?

(Guy 3 begins to laugh)

Guy 2:No. I can’t give out the teabags for free.
Guy 1: Then how much is a cup of boiling hot water.
Guy 2: Well...its nothing...we don’t really charge for that...
Guy 1: so TECHNICALLY the hot water is FREE until it becomes tea?!
Guy 2: No!
Guy 1: Yeah I'll have a bagel...

(Guy 3 explodes in to uncontrollable laughter)

Guy 2: HERE! NEXT! Welcome to Tim Horton’s can I take your order?

(Guy 3 approaches the counter with a smirk on his face)

Guy 3: Yea ill have a large cup of hot water

Monday, March 14, 2011

Alex and Derek Write A Blog

There once was a time where writing a blog was a singular activity. Tonight, however, were gunna double team this blog...
What were going to do is take turns writing sentences. It will start with me and go to derek and then come back to me.

A:Theres always that one friend you can rely on for anything.
D:One friend that you can count on any time, except for three in the morning.
A:Unfortunately, that friend isnt here right now, and im stuck with derek.
D:Youre a dick.
A:How am i a dick, its true. You never done shit for me.
D:Oh yea? Remember when we took that tv down to your basement at one in the morning? Oh suck your own dick. Sorry i wasnt writing that i was talking to the roll up the rim cup. I didnt know you were gunna be writing everything i said.
A:Well i am so dont get ahead of yourself, i want my blog to still sound somewhat intelligent after this.
D:Turn this fuckin music off i cant concentrate.
A:No its my room and Wyclef is a genius.
D:This is the worst idea ever, its gunna be the worst blog.
A:Thats only cause your doing it wrong. Youre supposed to be funny. Say something funny.
D:Dont take candy from strangers.
A:Thats not funny, thats FUN! AHA! GET IT!
A:Get out.
D:Youre in MY house.
A:No im not, look around you-...wait...
D:And thats why you dont take candy from strangers.
D:*picks up coat hanger* Where do coat hangers come from?
A:Coat hanger trees.
D:Oh is it my turn again?
A:Thats enough of this.
I can hear the birds singing..
Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

The Perfect Girl

christina. says:
man .. i dont know this girl. but she better be able to appreciate your sense of humour if shes gonna be with you .....
just saying

Alexander Varoutas says:
lol she cant
i would have to lock my sense of humor in the attick and deny having it
and try to convince her that the scratching noises coming from the attick were nothing
thats it
it would eat leftovers and never see the light
and like a flower it would wilt and slowly die
and id marry her and forget who i was
unhappy i would do whatever she wanted until one day
one of us died
if its me
if its her
i might just go rummaging
through the old stuff in the attic and find its corpse
and that once sick, demented, funny part of me will compell me to wear its skin like a cape
making me funny again
but that weird type of funny
that scares kids and turns adults away..
i hope i die first

Monday, February 28, 2011

The Bellamy 9

The Bellamy 9 is a project the TTC started to fuck with my head. For the past few years that ive depended on it, its managed to never show up on time, and almost more often than not, not show up at all, drive right past me, and just made my life harder all together. Heres a log of occurances however that happened this weekend that left me feeling a bit better about all of it.

February 25th, 2011
Me and Ana, after not seeing each other over a long period of time, had just come out of Just Go With It with Adam Sandler and Jennifer Aniston. The movie was sub par, but then, i didnt expect it to be good anyays. I had just received a text message from my friend Karli saying that i should come to Boston Pizza for a drink. Of course, i wasnt about to go for drinks with Ana on my arm so i kindly declined but asked who was there anyways. After dropping the usual names, she also mentioned that my old kitchen manager Rob was there. Knowing i wasnt going to see him again any time soon i insisted on dropping by to say hi, however the time was 12:30am and the last bus was at 1:00am so if we were going to make it we would have to be quick about it. So as it was, me and Ana set off to Boston Pizza.
We arrived and made our appearance, saw rob, endured some truly annoying pestering about me being with a girl and how this girl HAD to be my sister or cousin or bodyguard instead of just a girl i went out with...and then we were on our way.
Ana and I walked back to the ttc station just in time to see the last Bellamy bus at the bus platform. The moment i saw its turning lights were on i knew that it was pulling out and that if i didnt start running for it i would lose it. So i took off sprinting, leaving ana behind so as to catch the bus for the both of us. I managed to run up next to the bus as it was driving away and started banging on the windows which, in retrospect, wasnt a good idea, but when its cold and the last bus is driving away youre not too worried about making a scene. The bus came to a sudden stop and the doors opened. Laughing in joy while trying to catch my breath, i approached the doors and found myself face to face with one of the angriest ttc operators i had ever seen. The angry bus driver pointed at me, and began to yell, "DONT YOU EVER DO THAT AGAIN! YOU JUST LOST YOUR RIDE FOR THE NIGHT BUDDY!" And in an angry fit drove away leaving both Ana AND me stranded at Scarborough Town Centre with no means of getting home.

February 26th, 2011
Its about 12:30am and im about to leave from work. Im still upset about the nerve of the bus driver but i havent let it ruin my day. I say my goodbyes and head off to the station to catch the last bus. I enter the station and begin waiting for the last bus. In the mean time im listening to 6 foot 7 foot by Lil'Wayne (cant stop listening to it..). The bust approaches and i get on. As i enter the bus, i glance at the driver and realize its the same one from the night before. He didnt recognize me so i just kept walking and took my seat at the back of the bus. As the bus pulled away from the platform, this time with me inside it, my mind began to spin. I started wondering if maybe i should take advantage of this opportunity. But how would i make the best out of this? My initial instinct was to walk up to him, look him in the eye and say, "I wanted you to know that i had to walk ten miles in the cold and snow last night just to get where i was going and didnt get home until 4:00am" But i immediately discarded this idea, for it contained lies and hatred and would have only ruined another persons night, be it the person who ruined mine. My next intention was to apologize for upseting him but then following up with something along the lines of "what you did was wrong and youre a bad person" The problem with this however is that by following an apology with a negative comment, i cancel out any weight the apology could have potentially carried and instead turn any guilt in him to anger and hatred for my guts, and whats the point of that. My conclusion was that the only way to go about the situation was to leave my ego out of it all together and to just apologize. Apologize for upsetting him, for slowing him down, and for any other inconveniences i may have caused. The rest of the bus ride was spent rehearsing what i would say to him in my head until just before my stop i got up and approached his seat. I pulled the cord, got off the bus, and quietly walked home. I was ashamed of myself for not being able to work simply apologize to someone for something I did wrong. Even if what i did wasnt that bad, there was still a conflict that needed to be addressed, and i was to week it through.

February 27th 2011
It was a slow night so my manager let me leave early. I finished cleaning and stocking and decided to head out early for once so that i could go home and start the book my friend Holly had given me for christmas, Casino Royale by Ian Flemming. I began walking towards the station, the time was 11:27pm and the bus for that half an hour was arriving any minute. Its important that you catch the bellamy bus, otherwise theres no telling how long you'll have to wait for the next one. In order to walk into the station from my work you have to walk all the way around the back and up to the front where the entrance is which, as you can probably imagine is very time consuming and inconvenient, especially if your bus could show up any second and its the only one for at least half an hour. As i was walking around i noticed in the distance, thats right, the bellamy fuckin 9. Well damned if im going to miss this bus, i decide to run through the station and ask to pay on the bus so as to avoid the $5 000 fine i would have to pay if i got caught not going in the right doors. All in the meanwhile im thinking to myself, in the end at least im not gunna have the guy who drives the one oclock bus. As i approach the bellamy bus, im greeted by the beautiful face of the man who drove away from me friday night. Now, i have to ask a man who clearly respects the rules enough to leave someone at Scarborough Town at 1:00am, if i can pay on the bus in the station because i didnt feel like walking all the way around to the real entrance, WHILE hiding my face. Screw it. I walk up to him and say "Sir, i saw you in the distance and didnt want to miss the bus so i ran through the station, can i pay here?"
he replied with, "You arent supposed to do that, i cant technically let you on."
In saying technically i knew that he didnt want to have to turn me down and that i was one change of subject away from him just letting me take a seat. Well, what better way to change the subject than to blurt out, "Oh and sorry about the other night i didnt mean to scare you."
He immediatly came back with "That was you! I dont want to talk to you.." I could see he was still upset so I swallowed my pride and apologized again reassuring him that i was only trying to catch the last bus. He explained that the only reason he was so upset was because i was laughing so hard when he stopped the bus and thus assumed i wasnt appreciative that he stopped. I told him that i was only laughing because i thought i had caught the last bus and didnt mean to come across as a punk. After saying this he asked if i had gotten home okay. At this point i knew i had just made amends and didnt have to worry about the situation anymore. i took my seat at the back of the bus and enjoyed an awkward but happy bus ride home.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Conversations With Francesco

 And now a slight change of pace from the last blog. While talking about different music formats i asked my knowledgable friend what flac. (a digital audio format) is. In case you didnt know, flac is a very high quality format music can come in but nobody uses it cause its file size is way bigger than conventional mp3's

Alexander Varoutas says
whats falc

Francesco says
flac is a lossless audio codec

Alexander Varoutas says

Francesco says
it means g2school
it means that you don't lose any quality when you compress

Alexander Varoutas says
why doesnt errbody do it den
so wat if its big

Francesco says

Alexander Varoutas says
make bigger cd;s
we can call em vinyls

Francesco says
nobody wants big
they want small

Alexander Varoutas says
not dicks
everybody wants big dicks

Francesco says

*Note to anybody reading this who didnt find it funny:
The more you read it the funnier it gets. Try reading it when youre angry or sad. Read it outloud.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

All The Lonely People

Of all the times that Ive walked through this mall, I must have seen and forgotten a thousand faces.
Today however, one caught my eye. An older man, probably in his late forties early fifties, wearing a winter coat and hat sitting by himself. He was trying to enjoy a frozen yogurt. I know he was enjoying it because he wasnt doing anything else at the time and there was nobody with him. He was simply sitting alone in the food court, trying to enjoy a frozen yogurt.
There wasn't a look of enjoyment on his face though. He just looked...lost in his own thoughts. For all i know, he could be a father waiting for his kids who are preoccupied in a nearby store, or maybe a construction worker just taking a break from a job in the area., but i like to think its not that easy. Its the romantic in me. I want to think that there's something more to everyone i see. Of course i occasionally stay up at night wondering what kind life a specific person led and thinking about how ill never know, as is the case with this particular man.
Some people who have known me long enough may have heard me say that nothing makes me sadder than seeing someone eating alone. Maybe its because growing up i was used to eating being an activity that brought people together, and leads me to feel sorry for anyone i see eating alone. But its different when youre watching tv or doing homework. Its different when you have an occupied look on your face. Youre distracted. Youre not thinking about anything other than what you see.
This man was sitting alone at a table, staring in to the distance, not out of boredom but instead out of a lack purpose, and not eating because he needed to, but instead because he was trying to re kindle some feeling of happiness he looks as though hes forgotten. A happiness which may have escaped him when his kids moved out, or when his wife passed away, or even when he realized that he was never going to see the world through the eyes of a child again. Colours will never be as bright as they used to be, new experiences are now old, worn out chores. I could see it in his eyes, this treat he decided to buy himself wasnt helping. instead it was folding in the wind, like the feeble attempt it was to lift his spirits; to fill a whole so big that even he himself cant understand it.
There is no worse feeling than being sad and not knowing why, and this man didn't know why. As he sat, his memories teased him and he though to himself, "Why do i feel this way? I never felt sad like this before, what happened?" Nothing in his life changed though. Instead, it was the world around him that changed; for the worst. One day he woke up and realized that this wasn't the same world he knew when he was a child. And as this new and scary idea dawned upon him he slowly lost any hope of getting back to his old self and freezes on the spot. He thinks the quiet in the house must be getting to him so he decides to go for a walk. The fresh air does little to replace his anxiety though, he still feels as lost as before. As he comes around the mall he goes inside and see's the frozen yogurt shop. Memories from his childhood come fleeting back. Perhaps he and his father would go out for frozen yogurt every Sunday, or they brought him some when he was in the hospital. something from his past compels him until he says, "i think ill have some. This should cheer me up" As he sits and consumes his snack, however, he comes to the conclusion that the more he tries to enjoy it the less he actually does. Looking around the giant room he sees a young man with a notepad, scribbling away his thoughts. He pays him no mind and continues to get up and walk away. But as he's leaving he begins to think..."Of all the times that Ive walked through this mall, I must have seen and forgotten a thousand faces. Today however, one caught my eye..."

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Theoden king stands alone....Not alone.

So its my sisters birthday and shes stuck in south Africa- rather, shes enjoying herself in South Africa helping the needy and feeding the hungry, for she IS the reincarnation of mother Teresa.
I would be lying if i said that i thought i would miss my sister at any point through out her absence. We never really talked or interacted much at home unless one of us wanted to change the channel which usually led to a fight and this would be the closest we ever got. However, it seems that now as the seventh month is nearing its end, i am beginning to actually notice her absence. Like the absence of that ambient humming you get from a florescent light, it took me a while to actually realize that she was gone, and you don't think you would mind, but you kind of miss it after a while. I kind of miss her eating all the ice cream before i get any, and i also kind of miss how she would enter the room and change the channel on the TV as you're watching the season finale of house and aren't going to get a chance to see it again until it airs again a few months down the road, by which time you've already fallen the fuck behind and just stopped watching the series all together cause who the fuck wants to continue if they missed the last episode of the season...KIND of miss it. I could still go without it though.

...anyways, happy birthday and i miss you and i await your return. Like Gandalf said to Aragorn in Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, "Look to my coming, at first light, on the fifth day. At dawn, look to the East." On the day you're coming back, We will be looking to the east for your plane. Ill probably be the only one thinking of lord of the rings though.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

My Face

I like my face. As of late, i have stopped shaving. Not due to a change in religion however, i just want to see what i would look like with a huge ass bushy beard. The last time i let my facial hair grow out without any maintenance, i was asked to help defuse a dispute on the bus between two indian men yelling in urdu. It seems they thought i spoke the language. Its strange how changing different things about my face and head for that matter can lead to different assumptions about my nationality. If i let my hair grow out people think im black. If i cut it short people think im spanish. If i grow a beard people think im tamil. I wonder if rick ross is muslim...