Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Billy Got No Talent

The only reason i can think of for having gone to Heavy T.o., REALLY, was just so that at a later point in my life i could say "Well...I was at the FIRST Heavy T.o. back when it used to be good" This is actually my motivation for a lot of the things i do and already im starting to reconsider my choice in school for september. But anyways, we left at about noon to get to the show. Slowly as we got closer to out destination via TTC, more and more band-shirt wearing fans began to collect on the subway carts. By the time we got to the last bus, it was clearly just a mob of metal heads. When we finally got at the park i was greated with a quarter mile walk to the two stages in the distance. We had arrived just in time to miss the first two shitty bands and catch Volbeat instead, a band which i had never heard before but actually didnt mind all that much. Mostly because of the lead singers adorable danish accent.
    As they started playing i began to walk around and look for a vendor who was giving out earplugs (shut up). After going kiosk to kiosk for about half an hour i finally found ONE place that was selling them, a pair for TWO DOLLARS. Now, two dollars doesnt seem like much but when you look at it by its cost to weight ratio, its the most expensive thing ive ever purchased. So i bought them but immediatly found myself scared to wear them. I guess by walking around my subconscious decided for my brain that i was in danger and i couldnt relax. As i was walking i kept looking at people. Everyone had tattoos and spacers and piercings. Christ, the peircings. Its no wonder they didnt have a metal detector when getting in, if someone wanted to sneak in a gun they could just hide it in their face. I came to the conclusion that my best bet was to just avoid eye contact with everyone. They could smell the fear. I looked up and somebody walking by locked eyes with me and at that moment i knew he wanted to eat me. All i could think of was the scene from sean of the dead where everyone had to blend in with the zombies, so i simply did as the zombies did and threw him the horns while yelling 'SLAAYYYYERRRRR"...there was a split second of uncertainty, but then he returned my salute.
I was with matthew whose mom kindly provided us with ice cold bottles of water before the show, you know, those big two litre ones. My biggest mistake of the day would by far have to be drinking all of it so early in the day. What had happened was i immediatly became thirsty but had to pee desperatly at the same time, which made me feel somewhat ungrateful in a way. I told matt i was taking a leak and was off to find the bathroom. At the back of the park was lined a few dozen porta pottis. People plunked in and out of random ones. I stood in contimplation for a minute but knew i couldnt hold it in for seven more hours. With no way of telling which of the identical stalls was cleaner on the inside than the other, i said a quick prayer and chose one. I felt like i was on that game show "Uh Oh!" where you pick the wrong door and they drop a bunch of green stuff on you, except in my head the green stuff was blue...and littered with hundred of different peoples shit. It wasnt that bad. I did my best not to touch anything and was on my way.
I met back up with matthew and was watching mastadon. Next to me stood two of the biggest, scariest, Kerry King looking guys i had ever stood that close to in my life. One of them was smoking a marijuana cigarette. I knew what it smelt like cause ive been around the block a few times in my day. I was pretty tense, trying to look scarier so that nobody fucked with me, but its hard to look scary to a guy whose boot probably weighed more than me. Half way through this thought though he turned to me and offered me a puff od his joint, and with that gesture all my feelings of fear were immediatly replaced instead with a warming sense of welcome and hospitality. I kindly refused and carried on with my heroin when matt wanted to move up.

A few shows had passed and at about mid day i started to feel hungry, probably from the contact high i had acquired from being around...the air in the park. I told matt i was going for food and proceeded to hunting.The only food that appealed to me was hot dogs. I hate hot dogs by the way..so imagine the other choices. Anyways I ordered one and the guy said "five dollars". "WHAT IS THIS, PANDA MEAT!?" i yelled. He laughed and continued to grill the black and white sausage. Since the guy laughed I just pretended part of the five bucks was to feel funny and bought one. As I walked away I took a bite and choked breifly after remembering how much I just paid for a hot dog, though. I eventually finished it and within ten minutes, i wanted water. Of course a small bottle of water is three dollars and a blow job and of course i paid it, it was fucking hot. On second thought, though i should have just bought one from a vendor...

Slayer came on and a bunch of shit happened and it was really fun- the REAL highlight of the night was watching billy talent ACTUALLY GO ON STAGE AND PLAY. Bottles started finding their way to the stage, one of them full of coke actually hit the drummer head on. I thought this was a sad display of behaviour for a bunch of alleged "music fans" but in the end they shouldnt have been there and it was pretty funny to watch. I cant imagine what Mrs. Talent was going through watching that from home though. Poor woman.

If you replace all the people with chimps and put a big banana on stage you would have a similar effect.