Corrie told me to write this blog. and its kyles birthday.

This blog is essentially what the title says it is. Not a product of inspiration, but instead, a product of my attempts to impress corrie (whatever her last name is). BTW. ive had a few so theres no guarantee on the quality of this blog.

Today i went to a value villlage. and bought a bunch of vinyls i wnated and left a bunch behind as well. I left a bunch behind because my mother told me not to spend all my money on them and this showed me how much of a hold she still has over my life. i live in her basement...i mean...i know im only nineteen but shit...i could at LEAST live UPstairs...the basement is the real kicker.

ANYWAYS
its kyles borthday and i somehow managed to tell everyone about my blog. whether theyll check it again, ill probably find out next time im in, but until then ill write like they WILL see what im writing. Corrie is a girl (i know, shocker right?) at my work who told me to blog on today, kyle is the whitest kid i know(mind you, his last name is "beverly", i know right?) and it was his birthday so heres his shout out. THeres also bilama, racheal brad, josh and yoseph...and somebody i forgot...i think...anyawys we were at boston pizzas tonight for kyles birthday at they told me to write this but im SOOOO not in any condition to right about anything or anyone....fuck im tired....omg fuck this im going to bed......and ive already used WAY too many dots in this blog...

READ MY OTHER BLOGS I SWEAR THEYRE A LOT BETTER THAN THIS

NIGHT!

Tis The Season

Christmas shopping can be so frustrating when you don’t get to see or talk to the people that expect heartfelt, thoughtful presents from you. Its late and I have work in the morning but I haven’t written a blog for a while so ill make this short and sweet.

After asking several different people for Christmas gift ideas only to hear “gift cards are your friend” from all of them, I decided I should write a blog about why this is not an appropriate solution for my problems.

Gift giving is an arduous task that is split up between three groups of people: children, adults, and old people.           

The first group is children. Children range from about 5-16 years old and are expected to be creative and to make something at home with the help of an adult due to a lack of finance. An example of this is the ever so common “Macaroni Christmas Card”

            The second group is adults. Adults fall anywhere between the ages of 17-65 and are generally held up to the highest gift giving standard. This means that gifts have to be both thoughtful and have to be worth something. Of course, many adults are exempt from this rule if they aren’t working, but this just ends up manifesting in to a dinner table conversation on why you’re so irresponsible and don’t have a job yet at this point in your life. Most of the time, one must suffer through decades of this process before achieving the rank of “old person”

The third, and most coveted category, is old person. Old people fall anywhere above the age of 65 and typically don’t have to give a shit what you think of them or their gift giving abilities. Old people usually dont have the stamina necessary to walk around a mall for hours picking out the perfect gift for everyone on their list and have the excuse of tired muscles and aching joints to back them up, thus making this is the only category where gift cards and cash are acceptable. Those who feel younger and more energetic may embark on a journey to the mall for gift cards, but eventually they all end up just giving out cash.

This is why im not aloud to use gift cards and this is why I hate my age group.

Goodnight.

Deadly Sinners

Metal show from the perspective of an outsider and that of a true metal head.

Outsider

Francesco and his friend nick wore their favorite band shirts while I just wore a white t shirt and black jacket. (Remember that, its important.) I walked in to the club and was immediately greeted by the site of graffiti and stickers literally covering the walls of the stairwell leading up to the venue. i wasn't sure if the club owners were aware of the blatant vandalism taking place on their walls due to the extent of it but ill be darned if im going to play willy the whistle blower. i proceeded up in to the darkness of the bar where in the show would take place. it was dark and the air was heavy with the stench sweaty teenage boys who hated their parents. It seemed that these boys intended on "sticking it to" their parents by not bathing or cutting their hair and attending concerts and shows that are considerably detrimental to ones hearing. This is strange to me because i have never considered taking my anger on someone else out on my own body body, but this is also a growing trend with skateboarders who insist on hospitalizing themselves a minimum of three times a week in spite of their parents wishes.

Despite the generous amount of black lights hanging from the walls, seeing was difficult, and the fact that everyone was wearing black didnt help at all. Meanwhile i was getting hot so i decided to take off my jacket. Immediately following this was the sound of fifty metal heads nearby yelling "OH GOD MY EYES TURN OFF THE LIGHTS" With the help of all the black lights my white t shirt lit up like the gayest purple christmas tree you'd ever seen. Francesco was quick to say "Wow, you couldnt possibly stand out more." It was at this point when a black guy walked in to the club and francesco said "I stand corrected" I have nothing against a black guy listening to metal...but he was honest to god the only black guy there, except the bouncer, and even HE was like "The fuck you doin'". I was relieved to have someone to take the attention off of me and continued surveying the club. As the venue filled up i realized that, among the boys, there were a few girls also attending. The point im about to get to however isnt that women shouldnt go to metal concerts but instead that women that DO attend concerts like this are the scariest women in the world. For any fathers that might happen to be reading this blog, if your daughters wear black make-up and want to go to these types of show, i suggest letting them go and not getting in their way...because they will kill you. Of course Juri is an excpetion cause hes probably the one telling his daughter to wear black make up and listen to mayhem in the first place, but hes right to do so cause he knows this is the best way to protect her from the countless jocks and guidos shes bound to encounter in her life. One girl at the show arrived looking like Morticia Addams only to sit their through out the entire thing. She didnt crack a smile or throw the horns or even nod her head. These are the types of girls that will tie their dads to their bed posts and sacrifice them in their sleep for pissing them off. So stay the fuck out of their way and dont try talking to them, especially if theyre in the band too, which brings me to my next paragraph. 

After the first band, Borealis, had just finished playing it was time for the second to go on. About half way through the second bands set i came to the shocking realization that the vocalist that was growling and screeching like a Nazgul giving birth was in fact a GIRL. I also never really considered my mother a musical person in any way until that point, but anyways. This girl was pissed, and i have to say.. it was the sexiest thing i had ever seen. I imagine having sex with her would involve a lot of screaming and growling and guitar smashing, and then afterwards when shes done with you she eats you like a tarantula. This was one scary ass chick. I wanted to talk to her but by the time i walked up to her i had already pissed my self and gone in to cardiac arrest. Francesco and his friend had to carry me away and say i was drunk.

Eventually the feature band was up. Scar Symmetry. You couldnt imagine how excited i was to see them. My excitement level was somewhere between "guy whose never heard of scar symmetry" and "guy whose heard of scar symmetry but never bothered to listen to them". What i was more interested by was the size of the speakers they had set up for such a small room. I thought they came to play music, not renovate. After they got playing i quickly realized that if i didnt get earplugs soon the sound would not only make me deaf but actually power sand my ears right off of my head. Normally at that point i would be remarking upon the paradox that was music so loud that you needed earplugs but i couldnt think because my brain was being massaged from the inside out by the music. Then somebody tripped on a wire and the music stopped. The band played on but without the speakers and amp's on the guitars it just sounded like a temper tantrum on stage. After this had happened a few times, in between two of the songs, the guitarist yelled out "MAYBE YOU CAN TURN DOWNS MY GUITARS IT DOESNT HAVE TO BE THIS LOUDS I AM BLEEDING INSIDE MY EARS!" in the FUNNIEST SWEDISH ACCENT YOU EVER HEARD. Im serious i thought this guy was faking it! Then the singer yelled out "YEA AND TURN MY MIC UP" and the guitarist repeated "TURN MY GUITAR DOWNS" and the drummer yelled "WHATS AN ACOUSTIC" And then they sorted some shit out. One thing that caught me off guard was the staggering number of fights that broke out during the songs. I told my friend francesco and he explained that this was moshing. Moshing is a type of dancing people take part in at heavy rock concerts and it consists of running in to one another as hard as possible while flailing ones fists in any given direction. Then i got to thinking...

See at first i saw every individual characteristic of a metal head as just a unique feature that seperates them from others and makes them who they are. But it wasnt until the moshing that i came to a staggering realization..

dark cave like surroundings, long un-groomed hair, terrible posture and hygiene, a strange infatuation with loud noises and flashing lights coupled with spontaneous barbarism and brutish brawling to the rhythm of drums...these werent men and women interested in a genre of music out for a good time...these were modern day cavemen. These cavemen among people dress up during the day and attend jobs and schools only to go out at night and return to their primitive and instinctive behaviors with other members of their tribe.

All and all i found the show to be an eye opening event and in the end i felt almost enlightened to the cultures and lifestyles of people. I cant wait to go again. 

Metal Head

...it was brutal...

*Me and the singers from Scar Symmetry

Papa Loves Mambo

Let it be known that on November 9th 2010 at approximately 3pm I, Alexander-Hector-Gonzales-Lopez-Varoutas the third, officially started my first record collection. I say first because i foresee  a fire in the future but we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. Among the records i bought were Dean Martins Greatest Hits, Perry Como's Greatest Hits, and Abba-The Album, though that one was more for Daveena, though ill still enjoy it thoroughly. I ALSO just bought a record player that i know realize doesnt have a needle but ill be fucked if that stops me from enjoying these records. I hope to eventually add names like Julie London, Hectore Lavoe, Willie Colon, Tito Puente, and Louis Prima to my collection, along with Louis Jordon, and Frank Sinatra...and maybe some more Abba...and Django Reinhardt, and already ive gotten ahead of my self.  Anyways, i am happy that i gave birth to this new phase and i can only hope it survives long enough to be a hobby one day. OH AND TOM JONES!

Ok, on to filling you guys in on my life from the past few days and why this blog was so delayed. Writing a new blog has been a priority of mine for a while now, if not to entertain you guys, than just to make the ad's on the side change. I mention prince of persia once and suddenly my page is being bombarded with ad's for "sexy iranians" and "horny persians in my area". And the worst part is BOTH ad's just take me to sasan's facebook page, someone who i dont need to pay to webcam with me.

ANYWAYS, as i was saying, the reason my blog is so delayed. So rewind a bit back to friday night when im walking back from stc at 3am, which was ENTIRELY by choice mind you, it was nice out and i needed the exercise. I get home and my computers fine. Remember that, cause its important. So fast forward a tiny bit to saturday night. Im slightly wasted and getting driven home a a nice young girl i recently made friends with at my work. I walk in to the house and smoke my shin off of a stack of boxes full of nice, heavy tiles. This sobered me up instantly and allowed me safe passage down the stairs with out face planting and waking up the rest of the house, a house which instead of running to my aid would instead lie in bed convinced that a trip down the stairs was early punishment for waking them up....by falling down the stairs. But that didnt happen so shut up and let me move on with the bloody story. i go downstairs, in to MY room, the room in my house that no one else really has any reason to go in to, and find my computer stuck at a screen res. of 600x400 with no working graphics drivers in site and my sisters dirty fuckin fingerprints all over it.

(The above sentance for those of you who are computer impaired)

I walked in to the room to find my computer in a pool of its own blood with a knife in its chest, gasping for breath. I held it in my arms and yelled, "WHO DID THIS TO YOUU!" It whimpered.....C-C-Christina.....and died in my arms.

I stormed in to my sisters room, hit the lights, and yelled WHAT DID YOU DO TO HER! and she said, " I didnt touch your computer" Hard to fuckin believe considering the only other suspect is a woman so technologically impaired that if you gave her a baseball bat and told her to ruin my computer she would beat the keyboard to death. No, it had to be christina. To wrap up, i cant figure out whats wrong, which means its PRETTY fucked up, and im filling my time with records and books. which brings me to my next paragraph.

I spent an ungodly amount of money at indigo yesterday buying books that, like my friend repeatedly stated while we were there, im probably never going to read but fuck it, they make me look smart. First book is called Mafia. Its about the mafia...and its moslty for my sister cause shes taking a class in organized crime.(I didnt know York had a campus under the bridge in the park either.) The second book i bought was a beautiful encyclopedia for celtic, norse, greek, egyptian, roman and all other types of mythology. And the third book, "A Very Private Gentleman", is the book the recent movie "The American" is based on.

i could keep writing but im starting to lose interest in this blog, which means you probably didnt even make it to this sentance. Plus its not really a funny blog but i needed to rant. Rest assured ill make up for it with nothing but gold in my next blog.


P.s. Christina im writing this blog on your laptop, then im putting it in the dishwasher.

Mortal Kombat of our time

It seems lately the only thing that can motivate me to write recently is my feeling of sheer disgust or profound love for a movie I saw and want to share with the world. So then, as my favorite writer and video game reviewer says, let’s talk shittyness. 

Prince of Persia was such a terrible movie that I had to, now, the night before the longest day of my week, stay up and try to put in words how bad it was and how it made me feel. This being said, however, im also going to rush through this blog because tomorrow seriously is a long ass day and I wanna sleep. Also I love abba.

First things first. Who the fuck decided that the most appropriate accent for movies in ancient Greece, Middle Earth, and now Persia, is some weird hybrid of british and scotish and a bunch of other shit which is SUPPOSEDLY supposed to represent “high language” used by royalty but has no place in ancient Persia. (Lord of the rings is off the hook for this though) But prince of Persia? These are actors that make millions of dollars and don’t even have to TRY learning a Persia accent. That’s bullshit. Which just brings me to my next point. 

Who the fuck would want to see Jake Gyllenhaal attempt a Persian accent in the first place. No, he should have just stuck to being spider-man in my opinion. Honestly there was no reason for him to be in this movie at all. Even the stunts weren’t done by him. So who do I think they SHOULD have used?

……Jason Statham. 

Yes Jason Statham. Not only could he have pulled off all the stunts on his own while wearing a suit and driving across the desert in an audi, but he could ALSO take a swing at the accent, which could only make the movie better in the end. And WHILE were on the subject of actors, what the fuck was Ben Kingsley doing in this movie. Talent like that has no place in a movie as bad as this and I hope the people who kidnapped him and forced him to do the movie are caught and brought to justice. I feel the only fitting punishment for them would be something out of ancient Persia too, like cutting off their hands or being buried up to their neck in sand next to a hill of fire ants. 

What I think they should have done with the movie was loaded it full of Persian stereotypes like carpets and pillows everywhere and shitty interior design. That way it would at least seem like it had a sense of humor about it. Think about it. Wouldn’t you have enjoyed the movie better if they had discount electronics stores in the market places? Or if someone referred to the dagger as a “weapon of mass destruction”?

I'm tired. Goodnight.

P.s. Sorry Sasan. I tried to give you a mention in this blog but it’s a lot harder than you’d think . Maybe next time.

Up in the Air

I haven’t written a blog in a while and I don’t think I have anything interesting to write about but my latest blog isnt going to sell newcomers to my blog on my writing so I have to write something fresh and new. Here it is. Right now. Now. ……..now…..

Nnnnnnnow.

I just watched up in the air and I thought it was an excellent movie. Watch it. 

Next up, I just got a new job at canyon creek. I am an expeditor in the kitchen, a job which oddly enough does not involve ANY expeditions to far away countries to retrieve rare and sought after ingredients. Instead I am dressing salads and pairing steak knives with steaks before the dishes are sent out. Still good but, in the end, not what I was expecting. This means I'm working at zellers AND canyon creek at the same time. This makes me a single mother. I don’t know why I said that. If you were offended, im sorry, if not, your name is Francesco and youre currently texting me about how much better this blog is so far than the last one. ANYWAYS, that sentence was really difficult to word and I lost my train of thought. Ummmm…oh yes, my new job; Thank you Mildred. I also went to nuite blanche which turned out to be just a giant excuse for the city to throw its trash on the ground, and I mean the art too. But anyways, im now cultured for having gone to that so there you go. I cant think of much else to mention so lemme check my phone…nothing.

Well that’s all for my blog for tonight. Ill start writing more often though cause I just realized I started with nothing got this far.

PS    
I NEED SOMEONE TO TAKE MY FRIDAY SHIFT AT ZELLERS BADLY! IF YOU TAKE IT ILL GIVE YOU A SHOUT OUT IN MY BLOG AND YOU CAN LIE TO YOUR FRIENDS AND TELL THEM SOME GUY AROUND THE WORLD KNOWS YOU

Perfect

Delusional, psychotic, lying, conniving, insecure, troublesome, tiring, draining, jealous, grumpy, emotional, bi-polar, malevolent, envious, close minded, troubled, upset, foolish, defiant, stupid, confused, dangerous, defiant, frightening, depressed, stupid, uneven, unfaithful, abnormal, inconsiderate, crazy, cynical, impulsive, naïve, arrogant, stupid, so fuckin stupid, irresponsible, childish, immature, impulsive, scared, unsure, undeserving, innocent, stupid, lost, clueless, unstable..

broken bed keeping me up..

Fuckajob

I am writing this blog after only one job application. It took me 30 minutes to complete and I cant take it anymore. I cant do it. Applying for jobs is not only one of the most tedious tasks I have ever been faced with but its also one of the most difficult. There's just too much lying involved. I'm a good guy, and being such, I cant be expected to repeatedly lie over and over again on one job application after the other. Its just not right. My stomach is turning and I couldn’t live with myself. I’m faced with questions like “Tell us about a time where you were faced with a challenge and overcame it” and “are you a motivated individual?”, to which the answers would be “once I really didn’t feel like working so I sat in the bathroom for an entire shift avoiding customers” and “no”. Instead I have to make up stories about how I helped an old women find the exact color of yarn she needed in the back because there was no more on the shelf.

                Well fuck, what the fuck am I supposed to say. Then they give you these long ass surveys where they ask things like:

ARE YOU POLITE AND KIND UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES?

TRUE                                     FALSE

DO YOU EVER NOT WANT TO NOT STEAL AND THEN NOT NOT PUT IT BACK ON THE SHELF?

1              2              3              4              5

(ONE being YES VERY MUCH and FIVE being I already have)

IF IT WAS THE END OF THE WORLD AND A SINGLE MOTHER IN THE STORE WENT IN TO LABOUR AND WOULD HAVE DIED IF SHE DIDN’T RECEIVE A CERTAIN MEDICINE WOULD YOU STEAL IT OFF OF THE SHELF OR LET THE SINGLE MOTHER AND HER BABY DIE?

YES                                         NO

*Please answer truthfully

**You are being timed by Lie Detection software

I GET IT! YOU DON’T FUCKIN WANT BAD PEOPLE WORKING FOR YOU! TRY THIS THOUGH! INSTEAD OF TRYING TO FILTER PEOPLE WITHOUT MEETING THEM, TRY LOOKING THEM UP AND DOWN AT A JOB INTERVIEW AND IF THEY LOOK LIKE THEYRE ABOUT TO KILL SOMEONE, DON’T HIRE THEM! AND IF THEY DON’T LOOK LIKE THEYRE GOING TO KILL SOMEONE AND YOU HIRE THEM AND THEY KILL THE FIRST CUSTOMER THEY GET, LET THEM, CAUSE CLEARLY THEY WANTED IT SO BAD THAT THEY WERE WILLING TO PUT IN THE EFFORT NECESSARY TO CONTAIN THEIR INSANITY LONG ENOUGH TO KILL SOMEONE AT THIS SHITTY JOB YOU OFFERED! THIS ISNT THE PENTA-FUCKING-GON ITS RADIO-FUCKING-SHACK AND WAL-FUCKING-MART!

Sorry…that got a bit out of hand. My shift key sticks sometimes…and my blood pressure shoots up sometimes…anyways, getting a normal job is too frustrating so instead I have decided to do something cool, like become a spy or something.