I am writing this blog after only one job application. It took me 30 minutes to complete and I cant take it anymore. I cant do it. Applying for jobs is not only one of the most tedious tasks I have ever been faced with but its also one of the most difficult. There's just too much lying involved. I'm a good guy, and being such, I cant be expected to repeatedly lie over and over again on one job application after the other. Its just not right. My stomach is turning and I couldn’t live with myself. I’m faced with questions like “Tell us about a time where you were faced with a challenge and overcame it” and “are you a motivated individual?”, to which the answers would be “once I really didn’t feel like working so I sat in the bathroom for an entire shift avoiding customers” and “no”. Instead I have to make up stories about how I helped an old women find the exact color of yarn she needed in the back because there was no more on the shelf.
Well fuck, what the fuck am I supposed to say. Then they give you these long ass surveys where they ask things like:
ARE YOU POLITE AND KIND UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES?
DO YOU EVER NOT WANT TO NOT STEAL AND THEN NOT NOT PUT IT BACK ON THE SHELF?
1 2 3 4 5
(ONE being YES VERY MUCH and FIVE being I already have)
IF IT WAS THE END OF THE WORLD AND A SINGLE MOTHER IN THE STORE WENT IN TO LABOUR AND WOULD HAVE DIED IF SHE DIDN’T RECEIVE A CERTAIN MEDICINE WOULD YOU STEAL IT OFF OF THE SHELF OR LET THE SINGLE MOTHER AND HER BABY DIE?
*Please answer truthfully
**You are being timed by Lie Detection software
I GET IT! YOU DON’T FUCKIN WANT BAD PEOPLE WORKING FOR YOU! TRY THIS THOUGH! INSTEAD OF TRYING TO FILTER PEOPLE WITHOUT MEETING THEM, TRY LOOKING THEM UP AND DOWN AT A JOB INTERVIEW AND IF THEY LOOK LIKE THEYRE ABOUT TO KILL SOMEONE, DON’T HIRE THEM! AND IF THEY DON’T LOOK LIKE THEYRE GOING TO KILL SOMEONE AND YOU HIRE THEM AND THEY KILL THE FIRST CUSTOMER THEY GET, LET THEM, CAUSE CLEARLY THEY WANTED IT SO BAD THAT THEY WERE WILLING TO PUT IN THE EFFORT NECESSARY TO CONTAIN THEIR INSANITY LONG ENOUGH TO KILL SOMEONE AT THIS SHITTY JOB YOU OFFERED! THIS ISNT THE PENTA-FUCKING-GON ITS RADIO-FUCKING-SHACK AND WAL-FUCKING-MART!
Sorry…that got a bit out of hand. My shift key sticks sometimes…and my blood pressure shoots up sometimes…anyways, getting a normal job is too frustrating so instead I have decided to do something cool, like become a spy or something.