Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Conversations with Francesco

After seeing a one of those house centipedes crawl under my computer desk out of the corner of my eye, I ran and grabbed the vacuum so that I wouldn’t have to get to close to it to kill it. Upon my return, though, I realized that it was gone. I found my self unable to continue with my regular routine knowing that the centipede could jump out and eat me at any second so I turned to Francesco for guidance...

use the force alex

fuckin things move so fast

yeah man

and theyre practically camoflauge

but don't worry they eat other bugs
they're like terminator bugs

how do i lure it out in to the open
so i can vaccum it

LOL, tape a live bug somewhere visible, with a light
and put a sticky note that says 'bug connor'


Tuesday, June 9, 2009

When Yogurt Perspires

I hate that watery stuff on top of your yogurt cup.
Personally, I don't think the yogurt is ready to
leave the factory if it's still expelling water and
shit. And I think this is true cause some yogurts
aren't like that but some insist on producing that
watery shit at the top.

Apparently, that stuff is good for your
blood if you just drink it. Who the hell discovered
this? That it's good for your blood? For somebody to
find out that the excrement from yogurt is good for
you means that at some point in history, among all
the other horrible, judgmental people in the world
that hated it right off the bat, ONE person had
faith in this strange watery residue on top of his
yogurt and said, "You know what, I'm going to prove
the world wrong about you!" And that he did, because
after rigorous and persistent testing, he came to
the conclusion that this, this water, this sweat of
the yogurt, is, if ingested, good for your blood.

I hope he's happy, i really do, but I'm
still not drinking it. That's right, I refuse to
honor his discovery by actually taking part in this
ritualistic drinking of the yogurt's blood. WHY?
Because One-A-Day tablets aren't nearly as gross to
think about. We have created so many more efficient
ways of improving our blood to the point where this
information isn't necessary. So, it's interesting
enough, but I refuse to drink that disgusting,
yogurt-tinted water on top of my yogurt.

Some of you would say, "Alex! Why don't you
just stir it in to your yogurt?!?" Don't be an
idiot. You know I have a problem with it, and I'm
smart enough to know that just cause I can't see my
problem, it doesn’t mean it isn't still there. Same
applies to the yogurt. For starters, stirring this
yogurt drink in with my ACTUAL yogurt could very
well affect my yogurt's consistency in a bad way,
and I'm not ready to do that cause THEN I can't eat
ANY of the yogurt. Not to mention, if I stir it in
with the rest, it's still there, I just don’t know
where; and this, in turn, will leave my tongue
afraid of what it's eating and I wont enjoy my
yogurt, so there.

In conclusion, i wrote this blog and now the
watery stuff on top of my yogurt went away...
The fuck did it go....
What if its in the yogurt...

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

I am MAN

Recently I have slowly started to do one of two things. One, I am becoming more of a man in this world and slowly achieving where I want to be. Or two, my mind is coping with my LACK of manliness by twisting and manipulating the way I interpret reality to make me THINK I'm more of a man lately.

Either way, I’m happy.

The first sign of my manliness is my height. Tall, towering over my foes. I am unstoppable. My ability to grow a beard that is thick and bushy also provides me with considerable man status. Of course, it is enough to have the ABILITY to grow the beard, I don’t actually NEED to. When I urinate, a thunderous boom echoes through out the house letting everybody know who runs things around here. I love electronics and gadgets, like my remote control that can operate anything in the house with a simple push of a button. Grandpa's wheelchair getting on your nerves, not a problem, just steer it in to the pool. That pace-maker humming getting on your nerves? Turn it off for a bit. Yes this is a real mans remote. I have a leather jacket with a story behind it, because its not enough to just buy one, it has to have a good story behind it too, like where the "hells angels" patch came from or how you got a mustard stain on the back. I drive a pickup truck, which comes in very handy for my job at the office, like when I need to drive there and back. I have a wife with breast implants because I told her to put them there. I love breasts. There’s nothing like breasts on a hot day to cool you off. Oh yea. Only thing I like more than breasts is beer, beer being poured over breasts, beer being poured over breasts on a hot dayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy, sorry my y-key got stuck down. Another one of the things that has made me more of a man is my love for wings. Oh yes, I can’t get enough wings. I'll eat hundreds at a time and down them with the hottest hot sauce. Studies show that resistance to spicy foods is associated with the amount of testosterone surging through your veins. Wimp, call me when your balls drop.