Thursday, November 8, 2012


I was in chinatown recently. Chinatown can be a magical place, but i've always compared being in chinatown to being drunk for a number of reasons. Namely cause you always feel sick, but for a million other reasons too.

The other day i was walking around and felt disoriented simply by the amount of signs and people around that i couldnt understand. It was like being in a nightclub full of drunk white girls yelling nonsense at eachother, except the drunk white girls were tiny chinese women and the nonsense was a legitimate language. Your ablility to figure out where the hell you are and which way your facing is completely gone. I like to think i have a great sense of direction. You could blind fold me, spin me around, tie me up in a berlap sack, throw me in the trunk of a car and drive for half and hour in as many directions you want and i would still know how to get to where im going. But enough about how i got here. When im in chinatown its like the bermuda triangle. Compasses dont work and electrical devices fail. Either cause their in chinatown or...cause...they were made in china. Still, i walk into a building and i dont know what it is.on the one side theres a wall of dusty merchandise that probably predates the cold war, none of it you would ever need like those good luck cats. So it must be a shop right? But then i turn around and theres a guy making dumplings and smiling at me with a gold capped tooth. Not to mention the merchandise itself is terrifying.

I went just before halloween to the candy isle and everything had a picture of a prawn or a squid on it and a little kid smiling next to it with a thought bubble of a doctor in it and the doctors yelling "SUPER HAPPY FUN GO GO TREAT SNACK YUM YUM". I ended up settling for a giant plastic elephant filled with those little jelly shots if youve ever seen them.

Every cashier in the area works like their at foxcomm. Really, theyre like woodchippers. I go up to the cashier and give her the candy and before i even took my money out she already bagged the product and handed me my receipt and change, while already having started the next customer. I think she actually took my wallet, took the money she needed, and put it back before i even reached for my pocket.

The best part of chinatown for me though is also the worst part. Im not proud of how often i go to it and i really wish i didnt because ive spent a lot of money here, but i still go. Some guys go for pleasure. Real sleazy, low life characters i hate being around. Guys sitting in their torn up chairs, panting and breathing heavily while they mutter to themselves. Sweating through their shirts, riddled with acne as they get off playing Starcraft or World of Warcraft. Im addicted to internet cafe's. Ive made it a rule that i dont go in while the suns out but even then its still me and a bunch of pre-pubesant korean kids playing video games together in a small, smelly room. This is a low point in my life but one thought always gets me through. "At least im not an acne riddled pre pubesant korean kid"

Thursday, November 1, 2012

The REAL Zombie Apocalypse

Say what you will about Star Wars, i was never really attached to the bastard child of George Lucas anyways. I was always a fan of Lord of the Rings: good, wholsome fantasy fun. But it seems theyve both gone the way of the goose who was cursed with the ability to lay golden eggs: slaughtered mercilessly in an attempt to find endless amounts of money in its stomach, and when nothing was found its innards were shaped into eggs and sold anyways (see: Bourne Legacy, Taken 2, Expendables 3(Expendables sucked anyways the first time around but it was a welcomed suck, now its an unwelcomed suck, like a leech)). You want your zombie apocolypse? You got it. But its not with people, its with movies. Movies are being resurrected from the dead to aimlessly wander the world, feasting on the brains of the children who are too young to appreciate the originals and what they once meant to people. Thats what this is! There IS a zombie apocolypse going on! Its just in movies!

...Lock and load...

Now that Disneys bought out Lucas Films theyve agreed together that theres going to be an episode 7 to the star wars saga which will then apparently be followed by an 8 and a 9. “Im happy to see the movies passed down from generation to genreation” says George Lucas, the sick fuck. Reading his words brings to my mind the mental image of a cult affiliated-louisiana-inbreed-back swamp dwelling-priest-father talking about his many daughters from his many wives, born to live in captivity on his sex farms used well into old age when theyre unattractive and unfertile. This is what the movie industry is. And movie crossovers? Incest. Straight up.

I’m beginning to feel like Star Wars was born for one purpose. Mass prostitution. And, I have to admit, I feel for the poor girl. Times are changing and things that were once shocking and wrong are becoming socially acceptable. Like swearing in front of a lady, now its become acceptable to sell and trade our children for use by strangers. (its a metaphor for movies and their makers, dont get too excited you sick fuck)

Unfortunately my beloved Lord of the Rings seems to have gone the same way, but at least The Hobbit its still being directed by Peter Jackson. Still, i cant hold out much hope that the story in the movie will be anything similar to that of the original book. I mean, how on earth can a book shorter than The Fellowship Of The Ring be made out to be longer than the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy combined. Its like what they do to the chickens at McDonalds. If we stop and look at just the past year in movies alone, we can easily see some of the worst cases. Id like to share one trilogy that was near and dear to my heart, until a fourth movie was awkwardly attached to it, like a pinky finger surgically attached to a foot. No, not Indiana Jones, even he at least still had his whip. Im talking Bourne. They didnt even CALL Matt Damon about these. They just went ahead with it. Matt Daemon literally woke up one morning, opened up the movie listings page in the paper, and yelled “Honey....remember that time i came home at 6am really really drunk and couldnt remember what i did the night before? ...I think i did another Bourne movie...” The first two movies had different directors, fine. But even they stayed somewhat relevant to one another stylistically. This fourth one had literally nothing to do with the others. No sneaking, no cool soundtrack, not even any cool countries to visit. The Philippines? Who the fuck wants to see the philippines? No offence to the “flips” out there but im just saying,, Canadas not on the radar either.

My point is we need to be ready cause the pots about to bubble over with remakes and sequels and thats when the apocalypse. After that we can have our cleansing but until then i suggest we bundle up with our favorite oldies and indies and lock and load till the whole thing blows over.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Things Im Thinking When Getting Slammed at Work

Uh oh...I hope the 5 second rule works with soup...

Monday, April 30, 2012

Rainy Day..Rainy Life...

The rain drops collide with my window
it makes my house cry
the sun doesnt want to come out
i dont want to come out of the sun

i never understood what nihilism was
so i gave up trying to understand it
just like the world gave up trying to understand me...

when i call her she ignores me
when i text her she doesnt respond
when i need her she isnt there...
...why did she have to lose her phone..

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Things Im Thinking When Getting Slammed at Work

Dear Jesus,
Now, I know I haven't been to your house in a while and it might seem i only celebrate your birthday for the gifts and cake, and i havent been to your funeral in a while either, which, if i may say, is every year so its kind of unfair to expect me to show up every year. YOURE the one faking your own death. It was cool the first time but now its just rude. We all know youre faking it.
Anyways, all im saying is this is totally unfair. Its a Tuesday night and im already out of carpaccio and prosciutto, not to mention my gelato is all melted cause the freezer doesnt want to work and were still seating people. Im on my own here! Lets cut a deal, ill fast forrrr...say 15 days, no meat no dairy, and in exchange you clear out some of these people or give me a third arm or something.
Let me know what you think. Try to get back to me soon, im running out of dessert plates. Plus my managers Italian is starting to sound angrier and his hand gestures are starting to look like he's killing someone with an ice pick too.
Cool, thanks.

Monday, April 16, 2012

Poli Sci

Rob Ford. What can i really say about him that you havent already read on every paper, magazine, flyer, blog, facebook status, bumber sticker, or tshirt already. Hes fat, which wouldnt matter but when youre already losing, like he is in my eyes, i associate his weight with greed and gluttony, like one would with Jabba the Hut. Theres rarely a time where i see him on tv and his tone of voice alone doesnt make me cringe. So far his decision making skills seem to have stopped developing at around the stubborn age of seven. He presents no give, not even when an entire city believes the complete opposite as him. Hey, integrity is great but when youre in a position of power its dangerous. As far as danger however i dont think anyone needs to worry about Ford steering us into a wall, i think he just wants the drivers seat cause its more comfortable. So i say, give the baby his bottle until the next election where in we'll yank it away from him and let him cry himself to sleep.
"Rappa Jappa Han Solo Bringy Wingy"

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Sketch Premise

Premise, premise, premise, premise, cheese...old cheese, grilled cheese, cheesecake, cheesequake, the moon is made of cheese.....the cow jumped over the moon..brown cows make chocolate milk...chocolate milk has as much sugar as pop..jamie olivers food revoloution..fat people in america..were the kids of america whoa oh, 80's music and clothes...
i love pastel colours. the world would be better if the government invested in a city wide sound system that always played new wave synth pop from the 80's all the time and everyone had to wear government issued pastel coloured suits from the 80's. Also, there would be no new technology, only tapes and shit. technology JUST before the internet. If i were in charged i would make this so. it would be heaven. Saturday detention would be reinstated and groups of teenagers from all walks of life would spend EVERY saturday


Thursday, January 19, 2012

A Christmas Carol

To be sung to the melody of "Noel"

No Elves, No Elves

No elves, no elves
the workers did strike
My accountant messed up
should have hired a...jewish accountant

Now the elves have all resigned
No one here to make toys
Going to outsource my labour
to chinese girls and boys


Twice the hours half the pay
One small break everyday
Plus one billion less children
who need toys christmas day

Homeless children, orphans too
They can all come and stay
Just dont hire the sick kids
theyre dead anyways.


Make my list and check it twice
see whose naughty or nice.
Give the rich kids good presents
give my workers some rice.

For Obama end the war,
all the girls iPhone4.
All the black kids get freedom..
all the white kids LONGBOARDS!

Ship the presents to the states
kill Steve Jobs for Bill Gates
Merry Christmas to all
on this holiest date.