Saturday, January 26, 2013

The Powers That Be

Do I believe in the powers that be. Well, no, not really if I’m being completely honest. Do I believe that there is a greater power governing the universes happenings? No. Cause that would take the fun out of those few little times where something super unlikely happens and I’m such a good sport about it. Instead, I believe that it takes a special kind of person to see the humor in life. For example, anyone else last night would have been annoyed, angry, confused, or any other sort of weak, girly emotion. But i find it funny that we would run into eachother. Its been so long since ive seen you that i almost didnt recognize you last night. Sure, youve looked better, and you were with some other guy when i got there, and I'm sure you didnt expect me to show up, but it happened. Its also strange that on a night where i invite some of my friends who had helped me through some of the tougher times in my life, i also happen to see you. Friends like Christina or Matt, ryan and francesco, friends who youve been in the presence of and know pretty well. My biggest concern, however, wasnt my friends, but the fact that you were in the same room as my girlfriend. In retrospect, that was a pretty risky situation, cause i could have ended up looking like a fool in front of everyone. Luckily, it didnt get to that point. You minded your own business and i minded mine. At one point i thought things were really going to fly off the handle when i accidentally got ketchup on you. It didnt seem like you noticed though. Thank god for that. You just sat there calm and cool. To be honest, i admire you for that. Part of me wished you had done something to grab my attention, but that part of me wasnt there last night, and the other part of me definitely didnt want that. The last thing i need is you getting sauce all over my shirt anyways because i wanted your “attention”. In the end it was nice seeing you again, and although it was tempting to get saucy with one another like we used to, I’m glad things were as dry as they were. At least that way we could avoid any sticky situations if you know what i mean. I guess what I’m trying to say is that i missed you, and seeing some other guy with his lips all over you made me realize just how long its been since ive had you in my mouth.
I love you chicken wings. If youre reading this, last night was last night, and today is today, and for both of our sake, i think thats the way we should keep it. Ill have a beer to that. And also, heres to not writing something depressing for once.

P.s. You were a lot fattier than i remember.

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Heres What Happened...

Issue #1

Youre walking downtown late at night, maybe in chinatown, looking for somewhere to just get a drink. Maybe you want a coffee or a beer, but you think to yourself, "i always have coffee or beer." Just then you here a childish, but friendly voice from your right say "thats why you should have this juice were making" You turn to your right and in the narrowest crack in the wall you see a space. Not quite small enough for a door but not big enough for a window. Instead theres a small space. maybe ten feet wide, if that, and six feet deep. Leaning back on the hind legs of his chair is a white guy, in a huxtable-esque sweater, and a brooklyn hat that would make Mars Blackmon proud. Hes got a beard, wispy and white, like an old karate master and hes playing with it. Stroking it, looking deep in thought, or at least trying to. And as you stop and look at him wondering how he knew what you were thinking, his face lights up. "Hey Alex!", he yells, "I got one! I told you it would work eventually." Behind him theres a kitchen and the back of a guys head. Before his hair hes about six foot four, plus his hair its about seven two. Toiling over a tiny cutting board with a tiny knife and some tiny ingrediant, the giant yells out "Fine here." and, without turning his head, slaps a five dollar bill down on the counter behind him. You continue to stare not quite sure what he means until he explains. "Oh, i bet my friend in the kitchen that if i kept saying "thats why you should try this juice were making" to everybody walking by eventually it would line up with someones thoughts and they would stop. Ive made my money for the day. Time to close up shop. You want the juice by the way?" You ask whats in it, and the giant yells in a monotone voice, "Oyster and Peanut Butter" The guy in the hat smiles and knods his head, the sound of the drink satisfying his ears. "Really?" you ask. "Of course not" says the giant, "You want the drink or not?" You order the drink, and at the same time the guy in the hat says "ill have one too." as he slaps the same five dollar bill down on the counter. They bid you goodnight and slide down a great big, worn out garage door. The door was all covered in graffiti that must have been at least 30 years old from the looks of it. As the door hit the ground it was as though the shop didnt exist. No one would think it was an active space walking by it. As you walk away you sip your drink. It tastes like...peanut butter.....and oyster. Less concerned with the drink, you spend the rest of your night wondering who these two guys were, what they were doing there, and why the giant was blending oysters and peanut butter in the first place.