Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Clowns and Confetti

And tonight, a very special birthday blog for my number one reader...and potentially my only reader...but number one none the less.

Yes, it seems that another year has passed and you have become yet another person that can buy me cigarettes and alcohol to keep me happy. Now then, on to the blog.

I was recently enjoying a decaffeinated coffee with our birthday girl when a family entered the Tim Horton's we were in and approached the counter. It was a father, mother, and their little girl who i could only assumed was one of the most spoiled children ever judging by the toy clenched in her minuscule hand. i paid no attention to the family and continued with my story. Upon ordering the child immediately began crying and screaming. These were no average cries however. Your normal fussy kid would cry loud enough for the people in the immediate vicinity to hear; say 5-10 ft. Tops. However this child, it seems, was the offspring of an opera singer and a harpy that, instead of romantic music, had multiple smoke detectors playing through out conception and, more likely than not, all the way up until birth. This child yelled so loud that one of the pots of coffee shattered and in turn scolded one of the Tim Horton's workers near by. Seriously. And the worst part is, i don't even know what the siren-child was yelling about. i mean, i can only assume it was over a doughnut the parents denied it but THIS? over a DOUGHNUT? even I knew at that age that you have to save those screams for purchases over $200. Anyways, the parents asked the little ring wraith to stop once, then twice, and then, finally, the mother leaned over and whispered something in to its ear. Without a moments hesitation, the raving Justin Beiber fan stopped screaming and looked directly ahead of it, almost as though the mother had whispered some secret word that triggered a trance like "fugue state" in the dying violin of a child. The family then proceeded to walk out of the Tim Horton's and went straight to their car with no problems. After this, i was left wondering what kind of evil this mother said that instilled such obedience in the nails against chalkboard. It could have been anything, and now ill never know...
Feel free to suggest in the comments.
Any who, me and the birthday girl continued our conversation before on...whatever she was talking about. I couldn't be bothered to listen cause it was simply too boring. (sorry i didn't tell you in person) But this in turn taught me something. whenever you re at Tim Horton's with a date, friend, employer, or anyone else, there is always a way to tell when the conversation has gotten bad and how bad the conversation as gotten. When the person you re with starts ripping up their cup, its over. You've fucked the conversation and are officially boring the other person to the point where they have reverted back to their child like interest in destruction. This is when it gets bad however and isn't beyond the point of salvage. What you REALLY need to worry about is when they start making things out of the cups remnants. smiley faces on the table, cut-out snowflakes, origami, its all bad and a sign that you should just put the night out of its misery and say you have to leave. As for me, if you must know, after thirty seconds in to conversation about B.C. or autopsies or something, i was wearing my empty cup as a hat. This is an extreme situation where in goodbyes aren't even needed anymore and you should just get up and leave. unfortunately for me i had to tough out the entire night and eventually ended up with an entire suit of armor fashioned wholly out of Tim Horton's cups and bags.
Happy Birthday

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Rise of the Machines

 You know those robots that take over your friends msn accounts and send you bogus links to websites that arent really what they say they are? Like


It seems they got to my sister. See, my sister has been in Greece and Cyprus for the past few weeks so I first suspected it when she brought up an iq test of all things. The machines almost had me but a robotic mind is no match for that of a human, especially my vast cranius. Anyways after having asked the robot a few simple yet expertly placed questions, i had it intellectually check-mated and realized my sister was in danger somewhere in Greece. I have attached the conversation for you to read. If you find clues email them to me. I'm off to save my sister.

Effy says:
 Hey r you there?

Alexandros       - says:

Effy says:
 i just took an IQ quiz

Alexandros       - says:
 you paid to go to greece and cyprus and thats what you tell me about
 i got your iq
 for losing your fuckin wallet

Effy says:
 I was better than I am! I scored 111

Effy says:
 you should try if you can beat me,

Alexandros       - says:
 wait aminute....
 whats your last name

Effy says:
 Im sure you cant lol

Alexandros       - says:

Effy says:
 take it now while Im in the shower and tell me ur score later

Alexandros       - says:

Friday, August 6, 2010

Ask Alex Anything

The Wandering Metalhead writes,

Dear Alex,

Me and a friend were watching a movie recently and my foot brushed up against his during the movie. I, of course, was quick to call out “No Homo” in case he interpreted it as an invitation for casual anal relations, which got me wondering. If two guys have sex but constantly say “No Homo” throughout, is it still gay? I’d really like to know cause if it isn’t, I’m totally gunna ask him to do it.


Well France-, I mean, The Wandering Metalhead, the concept of “No Homo” isn’t as simple as just saying “No Homo” The truth is that there are many factors that play in to how effective the term can be at any given time. Things like clothing, alcohol consumption, even time of day are all crucial factors in the terms effectiveness.

There is even a “No Homo” Ph scale, shown below, that most people and even medical doctors aren’t aware of. This is used as a reference so that people can know the severity of their Homo behavior from day to day. Something with a Low Homo Ph would be accidentally touching your friends hand while walking next to them where as something with a High Homo Ph would be something like drugging your friend and taking advantage of his lifeless body. Eventually there is a point on the scale where no amount of “No Homo’s” can preserve ones sexuality. In the end, you will, in fact, be a Homo. When this happens an Anti Homo procedure will have to be undergone by the recently converted Homo who will, in time, return to their previous state of straightness. This, however, is a completely different subject all together.

As you can see from the equation below, "x" represents the amount of times "No Homo" has to be said for every minute of sustained Homo behavior, "Ph" represents the level on the Homo Ph Scale, "b" represents the blood alcohol level, and “c” represents the percent of skin exposed at the time of the incident.

So, as you can plainly see Wandering Metalhead, once you go past a certain point on the scale, the necessary amount of “No Homo’s” needed would be more than is physically possible by you or any other human being.

I hope this has been an informative answer to your question

Till next time


Thursday, August 5, 2010

They Know You Know They Know You Saw Their Message

I was on the subway the other day and I saw an ad for blackberry messenger advertising the message confirmation feature. This is the thing where if you read someones message, they can SEE that you read the message and based on the amount of time between you reading the message and your response, they decide whether or not they’re offended. What this means in other words is that you can’t ignore your friends. This has to be the stupidest ad campaign ever conceived by man. Its like taking out an ad that says “Blackberries! Now ALWAYS on SPEAKER!” Social networking is based on people ignoring their friends. Be it for their benefit or that of their friends it is a necessary speed bump in any relationship. For example, your phone number falls in to the hands of the wrong person…I don’t know, say someone whose obsessed with cannibalism…openly, very openly, and voices this interest every time he OR she is with you…no matter who you’re in front of. For your own good you don’t want to associate with this person. But you ALSO don’t want to offend this person, lest they take a bite out of you next time they see you. So, when Hannibal Lectar sends you a message saying, “hey, wanna see my collection of knives and body parts?” you say neither yes or no, and instead ignore the message all together and pretend you never got it in the event that they find you and confront you. With this new BBM feature, however, this is impossible because whoever sends you a message will KNOW you read it. Really, this is less a preference of my own and more a safety concern for the public. Peoples lives are in danger when they cant pretend they don’t see or hear things. What if someone accidentally gets a message from a Mafioso where in he mentions the location of a body he recently got rid of. If you get picked up, YOU cant deny that you saw that message, he’s gunna be like “Are you tellin’ me you didn’t see the message dat waz clearly read here on yur’aa blackberry? Cmaaaan. What, are you sayin im stupid? Cmaaan. You KNOW im gunna have to take you out now eh? Forget about it. Shoulda gotten an iphone pison” The dangers are endless.
The other thing that bugs me about this ad is the picture that goes with it. This is an ad that is based on your ability to see the side of people they don’t want you to see. The ad I saw just had a girl on it who was looking at her phone. But everyone knows this wouldn’t be the case. Nobody is that ok with being annoyed. The only real picture you can use is a fat chick looking at her phone and crying after she realized Chad saw her invitation to prom and hasn’t responded in three days. This or some emo kid writing poetry with eye liner. Either way, the blackberry people should have realized here if not earlier that this was, in fact, a terrible idea. Anyways im going to fire this blog off cause its been on my desktop for a long time waiting to be finished.

Btw im listening to cat power.
..yea fuck you too, Francesco.