Say what you will about Star Wars, i
was never really attached to the bastard child of George Lucas
anyways. I was always a fan of Lord of the Rings: good, wholsome
fantasy fun. But it seems theyve both gone the way of the goose who
was cursed with the ability to lay golden eggs: slaughtered
mercilessly in an attempt to find endless amounts of money in its
stomach, and when nothing was found its innards were shaped into eggs
and sold anyways (see: Bourne Legacy, Taken 2, Expendables
3(Expendables sucked anyways the first time around but it was a
welcomed suck, now its an unwelcomed suck, like a leech)). You want
your zombie apocolypse? You got it. But its not with people, its with
movies. Movies are being resurrected from the dead to aimlessly
wander the world, feasting on the brains of the children who are too
young to appreciate the originals and what they once meant to people.
Thats what this is! There IS a zombie apocolypse going on! Its just
in movies!
...Lock and load...
Now that Disneys bought out Lucas
Films theyve agreed together that theres going to be an episode 7 to
the star wars saga which will then apparently be followed by an 8 and
a 9. “Im happy to see the movies passed down from generation to
genreation” says George Lucas, the sick fuck. Reading his words
brings to my mind the mental image of a cult
affiliated-louisiana-inbreed-back swamp dwelling-priest-father
talking about his many daughters from his many wives, born to live in
captivity on his sex farms used well into old age when theyre
unattractive and unfertile. This is what the movie industry is. And
movie crossovers? Incest. Straight up.
I’m beginning to feel like Star
Wars was born for one purpose. Mass prostitution. And, I have to
admit, I feel for the poor girl. Times are changing and things that
were once shocking and wrong are becoming socially acceptable. Like
swearing in front of a lady, now its become acceptable to sell and
trade our children for use by strangers. (its a metaphor for movies
and their makers, dont get too excited you sick fuck)
Unfortunately my beloved Lord of the
Rings seems to have gone the same way, but at least The Hobbit its
still being directed by Peter Jackson. Still, i cant hold out much
hope that the story in the movie will be anything similar to that of
the original book. I mean, how on earth can a book shorter than The
Fellowship Of The Ring be made out to be longer than the entire Lord
of the Rings trilogy combined. Its like what they do to the chickens
at McDonalds. If we stop and look at just the past year in movies
alone, we can easily see some of the worst cases. Id like to share
one trilogy that was near and dear to my heart, until a fourth movie
was awkwardly attached to it, like a pinky finger surgically attached
to a foot. No, not Indiana Jones, even he at least still had his
whip. Im talking Bourne. They didnt even CALL Matt Damon about these.
They just went ahead with it. Matt Daemon literally woke up one
morning, opened up the movie listings page in the paper, and yelled
“Honey....remember that time i came home at 6am really really drunk
and couldnt remember what i did the night before? ...I think i did
another Bourne movie...” The first two movies had different
directors, fine. But even they stayed somewhat relevant to one
another stylistically. This fourth one had literally nothing to do
with the others. No sneaking, no cool soundtrack, not even any cool
countries to visit. The Philippines? Who the fuck wants to see the
philippines? No offence to the “flips” out there but im just
saying,, Canadas not on the radar either.
My point is we need to be ready cause
the pots about to bubble over with remakes and sequels and thats when
the apocalypse. After that we can have our cleansing but until then i
suggest we bundle up with our favorite oldies and indies and lock and
load till the whole thing blows over.
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