Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Mortal Kombat of our time

It seems lately the only thing that can motivate me to write recently is my feeling of sheer disgust or profound love for a movie I saw and want to share with the world. So then, as my favorite writer and video game reviewer says, let’s talk shittyness. 

Prince of Persia was such a terrible movie that I had to, now, the night before the longest day of my week, stay up and try to put in words how bad it was and how it made me feel. This being said, however, im also going to rush through this blog because tomorrow seriously is a long ass day and I wanna sleep. Also I love abba.

First things first. Who the fuck decided that the most appropriate accent for movies in ancient Greece, Middle Earth, and now Persia, is some weird hybrid of british and scotish and a bunch of other shit which is SUPPOSEDLY supposed to represent “high language” used by royalty but has no place in ancient Persia. (Lord of the rings is off the hook for this though) But prince of Persia? These are actors that make millions of dollars and don’t even have to TRY learning a Persia accent. That’s bullshit. Which just brings me to my next point. 

Who the fuck would want to see Jake Gyllenhaal attempt a Persian accent in the first place. No, he should have just stuck to being spider-man in my opinion. Honestly there was no reason for him to be in this movie at all. Even the stunts weren’t done by him. So who do I think they SHOULD have used?
……Jason Statham. 

Yes Jason Statham. Not only could he have pulled off all the stunts on his own while wearing a suit and driving across the desert in an audi, but he could ALSO take a swing at the accent, which could only make the movie better in the end. And WHILE were on the subject of actors, what the fuck was Ben Kingsley doing in this movie. Talent like that has no place in a movie as bad as this and I hope the people who kidnapped him and forced him to do the movie are caught and brought to justice. I feel the only fitting punishment for them would be something out of ancient Persia too, like cutting off their hands or being buried up to their neck in sand next to a hill of fire ants. 

What I think they should have done with the movie was loaded it full of Persian stereotypes like carpets and pillows everywhere and shitty interior design. That way it would at least seem like it had a sense of humor about it. Think about it. Wouldn’t you have enjoyed the movie better if they had discount electronics stores in the market places? Or if someone referred to the dagger as a “weapon of mass destruction”?
I'm tired. Goodnight.

P.s. Sorry Sasan. I tried to give you a mention in this blog but it’s a lot harder than you’d think . Maybe next time.