its when i have pressing assignments due that i decide i have the patience to sit and write another blog...
i really need to get back on top of things. when was my last blog? last year? fuuuck...anyways thats enough of that. lets get crackin'.
i find myself in an outlet mall just south of the border in buffalo this depressing sunday morning. having forgotten all of my machine guns at home, rampaging is out of the question no matter how bored i get. So, im stuck here in this purgatory of a mall with only one thing on my mind. i think this is good. though i dont believe in fate too much, i believe its fate that dragged me out of bed and brought me here, almost as a time out, so that i could get my thoughts straight. so while my sisters and mother shop for their bootlegged goods, i have this time to think. think about things like life..and death...and how much of a tool i am for things ive done. not many people are handed something as perfect as what i was and can manage to fuck it up as bad as i did.most people would have taken my situation and ran with it. just let it be. but no, instead I just question the shit out of it until it just breaks under the weight of my uncertainty.
put on the brakes, drop the anchor, and deploy the parachute. do whatever i can to slow this mother fucker down cause life is just moving way too fast for me. love? get the fuck outta here..love? The concept of love has come a long way in the past few months. i still see it as a childish fantasy that people like to take part in. Its like seeing a movie and trying to mimic it for fun. its a "rush", a "fetish". its a term we unknowingly use to refer to the chemical reaction that takes place in our brain when we see something we want to get naked with...and yet...if you let it sweep you off your feet...you can really go places. i tried avoiding it, i really did. i tried shoo-ing it away, i tried spraying it with reality water..but it just kept finding a way back to me. it got my cell number..mailing address..email..and now im concerned i may have lost my head and accidentally swatted it to death. and what do you do when you think you may have murdered something you love? not much you can do. just sit..wait to here back from the doctors and let the guilt boil inside of you. and in the mean time, learn.
its tough. I know, and so do you. love gets in the way. some people give in to it and some people deny it. i find myself wishing i had handled my pest problem better.but like i said its tough. how do you write the essay of life when you have loves hummingbird hovering around your head distracting you. its aroma gets so strong to the point where you lose your mind, and you either fly away with it..or hold its head under the waters of rationality until you realize that now, you dont have anything anymore. and what was once a humming distraction is now an erie silence...and you would give anything to be distracted again because the silence you once strived to achieve has now just become their void that nobody can fill. so call my phone, write me letters, throw rocks at my window. DISTRACT ME from this life..cause without the distractions.. i dont want to live it.