ACCEPTED

How can i describe the feeling i got when i saw my acceptance to humbers comedy writing program?
Well...imagine how harry potter felt when he got his acceptance letter to hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry via a magical own. Then put him on ecstasy. Then put him and hermione alone in a bedroom together with two wands. Two vibrating wands...
THATS what it feels like.

Tim Hortons

A sketch by me and francesco. Something along the lines of this happened in real life so feel free to think of guy 1 as me and guy 3 as francesco.

(Guy 1 enters the Tim Horton’s and approaches the counter with guy 3.)
Guy 1: Hi. How much is a large chai tea.
Guy 2: $1.79, sir.
Guy 1: Oh wow, and how much for a small?
Guy 2: $1.29 sir.
Guy 1: And am I getting a bigger tea bag for the large price?
Guy 2: uhh...no sir. It’s the same tea just more water.
Guy 1: So you’re telling me that the price goes up with respect to how much hot water I'm getting?
Guy 2: I guess so.
Guy 1: So if I get a large cup and pay the large price, I only get a little bit more water and that’s it?
Guy 2: Yes.
Guy 1: And you think that’s a just reason to charge me 50 cents more than a small?

(Guy 3 smirks at Guy 1)

Guy 2: Well, I don’t do the pricing but I’m guessing the people at head office came to this conclusion...
Guy 1: So you’re telling me that if I don’t have that extra fifty cents, I can’t get a large tea? EVEN though I’m still getting the same tea bag?
Guy 2:...I guess so. Yes...
Guy 1: so then if IM being charged for the water and NOT the tea COULDNT I in theory have the teabag for free?

(Guy 3 begins to laugh)

Guy 2:No. I can’t give out the teabags for free.
Guy 1: Then how much is a cup of boiling hot water.
Guy 2: Well...its nothing...we don’t really charge for that...
Guy 1: so TECHNICALLY the hot water is FREE until it becomes tea?!
Guy 2: I GUESS SO, YES!
Guy 1:SO THEN THEORETICALLY I COULD WALTZ IN HERE, ORDER A SMALL TEA AND ASK FOR AN EXTRA LARGE CUP OF BOILING WATER AND END UP WITH MORE THAN I WOULD NORMALLY GET FOR LESS THAN I WOULD NORMALLY PAY!?!
Guy 2: No!
Guy 1: WHY NOT! WHATS IT TO YOU WHAT I DO WITH MY HOT WATER!
Guy 2: NOTHING, ALRIGHT! ARE YOU GOING TO ORDER OR WHAT!
Guy 1: Yeah I'll have a bagel...

(Guy 3 explodes in to uncontrollable laughter)

Guy 2: HERE! NEXT! Welcome to Tim Horton’s can I take your order?

(Guy 3 approaches the counter with a smirk on his face)

Guy 3: Yea ill have a large cup of hot water

Alex and Derek Write A Blog

There once was a time where writing a blog was a singular activity. Tonight, however, were gunna double team this blog...
What were going to do is take turns writing sentences. It will start with me and go to derek and then come back to me.


A:Theres always that one friend you can rely on for anything.
D:One friend that you can count on any time, except for three in the morning.
A:Unfortunately, that friend isnt here right now, and im stuck with derek.
D:Youre a dick.
A:How am i a dick, its true. You never done shit for me.
D:Oh yea? Remember when we took that tv down to your basement at one in the morning? Oh suck your own dick. Sorry i wasnt writing that i was talking to the roll up the rim cup. I didnt know you were gunna be writing everything i said.
A:Well i am so dont get ahead of yourself, i want my blog to still sound somewhat intelligent after this.
D:Turn this fuckin music off i cant concentrate.
A:No its my room and Wyclef is a genius.
D:This is the worst idea ever, its gunna be the worst blog.
A:Thats only cause your doing it wrong. Youre supposed to be funny. Say something funny.
D:Dont take candy from strangers.
A:Thats not funny, thats FUN! AHA! GET IT!
D:No.
A:Get out.
D:Youre in MY house.
A:No im not, look around you-...wait...
D:And thats why you dont take candy from strangers.
A:WHATS GOING ON?!
D:*picks up coat hanger* Where do coat hangers come from?
A:Coat hanger trees.
D:Oh is it my turn again?
A:Thats enough of this.

I can hear the birds singing..

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

The Perfect Girl

christina. says:
man .. i dont know this girl. but she better be able to appreciate your sense of humour if shes gonna be with you .....
just saying

Alexander Varoutas says:
lol she cant
i would have to lock my sense of humor in the attick and deny having it
and try to convince her that the scratching noises coming from the attick were nothing
attick...
attic
thats it
anyways
it would eat leftovers and never see the light
and like a flower it would wilt and slowly die
and id marry her and forget who i was
unhappy i would do whatever she wanted until one day
one of us died
if its me
good
if its her
i might just go rummaging
through the old stuff in the attic and find its corpse
and that once sick, demented, funny part of me will compell me to wear its skin like a cape
making me funny again
but that weird type of funny
that scares kids and turns adults away..
i hope i die first

The Bellamy 9

The Bellamy 9 is a project the TTC started to fuck with my head. For the past few years that ive depended on it, its managed to never show up on time, and almost more often than not, not show up at all, drive right past me, and just made my life harder all together. Heres a log of occurances however that happened this weekend that left me feeling a bit better about all of it.




February 25th, 2011
Me and Ana, after not seeing each other over a long period of time, had just come out of Just Go With It with Adam Sandler and Jennifer Aniston. The movie was sub par, but then, i didnt expect it to be good anyays. I had just received a text message from my friend Karli saying that i should come to Boston Pizza for a drink. Of course, i wasnt about to go for drinks with Ana on my arm so i kindly declined but asked who was there anyways. After dropping the usual names, she also mentioned that my old kitchen manager Rob was there. Knowing i wasnt going to see him again any time soon i insisted on dropping by to say hi, however the time was 12:30am and the last bus was at 1:00am so if we were going to make it we would have to be quick about it. So as it was, me and Ana set off to Boston Pizza.
We arrived and made our appearance, saw rob, endured some truly annoying pestering about me being with a girl and how this girl HAD to be my sister or cousin or bodyguard instead of just a girl i went out with...and then we were on our way.
Ana and I walked back to the ttc station just in time to see the last Bellamy bus at the bus platform. The moment i saw its turning lights were on i knew that it was pulling out and that if i didnt start running for it i would lose it. So i took off sprinting, leaving ana behind so as to catch the bus for the both of us. I managed to run up next to the bus as it was driving away and started banging on the windows which, in retrospect, wasnt a good idea, but when its cold and the last bus is driving away youre not too worried about making a scene. The bus came to a sudden stop and the doors opened. Laughing in joy while trying to catch my breath, i approached the doors and found myself face to face with one of the angriest ttc operators i had ever seen. The angry bus driver pointed at me, and began to yell, "DONT YOU EVER DO THAT AGAIN! YOU JUST LOST YOUR RIDE FOR THE NIGHT BUDDY!" And in an angry fit drove away leaving both Ana AND me stranded at Scarborough Town Centre with no means of getting home.

February 26th, 2011
Its about 12:30am and im about to leave from work. Im still upset about the nerve of the bus driver but i havent let it ruin my day. I say my goodbyes and head off to the station to catch the last bus. I enter the station and begin waiting for the last bus. In the mean time im listening to 6 foot 7 foot by Lil'Wayne (cant stop listening to it..). The bust approaches and i get on. As i enter the bus, i glance at the driver and realize its the same one from the night before. He didnt recognize me so i just kept walking and took my seat at the back of the bus. As the bus pulled away from the platform, this time with me inside it, my mind began to spin. I started wondering if maybe i should take advantage of this opportunity. But how would i make the best out of this? My initial instinct was to walk up to him, look him in the eye and say, "I wanted you to know that i had to walk ten miles in the cold and snow last night just to get where i was going and didnt get home until 4:00am" But i immediately discarded this idea, for it contained lies and hatred and would have only ruined another persons night, be it the person who ruined mine. My next intention was to apologize for upseting him but then following up with something along the lines of "what you did was wrong and youre a bad person" The problem with this however is that by following an apology with a negative comment, i cancel out any weight the apology could have potentially carried and instead turn any guilt in him to anger and hatred for my guts, and whats the point of that. My conclusion was that the only way to go about the situation was to leave my ego out of it all together and to just apologize. Apologize for upsetting him, for slowing him down, and for any other inconveniences i may have caused. The rest of the bus ride was spent rehearsing what i would say to him in my head until just before my stop i got up and approached his seat. I pulled the cord, got off the bus, and quietly walked home. I was ashamed of myself for not being able to work simply apologize to someone for something I did wrong. Even if what i did wasnt that bad, there was still a conflict that needed to be addressed, and i was to week it through.


February 27th 2011
It was a slow night so my manager let me leave early. I finished cleaning and stocking and decided to head out early for once so that i could go home and start the book my friend Holly had given me for christmas, Casino Royale by Ian Flemming. I began walking towards the station, the time was 11:27pm and the bus for that half an hour was arriving any minute. Its important that you catch the bellamy bus, otherwise theres no telling how long you'll have to wait for the next one. In order to walk into the station from my work you have to walk all the way around the back and up to the front where the entrance is which, as you can probably imagine is very time consuming and inconvenient, especially if your bus could show up any second and its the only one for at least half an hour. As i was walking around i noticed in the distance, thats right, the bellamy fuckin 9. Well damned if im going to miss this bus, i decide to run through the station and ask to pay on the bus so as to avoid the $5 000 fine i would have to pay if i got caught not going in the right doors. All in the meanwhile im thinking to myself, in the end at least im not gunna have the guy who drives the one oclock bus. As i approach the bellamy bus, im greeted by the beautiful face of the man who drove away from me friday night. Now, i have to ask a man who clearly respects the rules enough to leave someone at Scarborough Town at 1:00am, if i can pay on the bus in the station because i didnt feel like walking all the way around to the real entrance, WHILE hiding my face. Screw it. I walk up to him and say "Sir, i saw you in the distance and didnt want to miss the bus so i ran through the station, can i pay here?"
he replied with, "You arent supposed to do that, i cant technically let you on."
In saying technically i knew that he didnt want to have to turn me down and that i was one change of subject away from him just letting me take a seat. Well, what better way to change the subject than to blurt out, "Oh and sorry about the other night i didnt mean to scare you."
He immediatly came back with "That was you! I dont want to talk to you.." I could see he was still upset so I swallowed my pride and apologized again reassuring him that i was only trying to catch the last bus. He explained that the only reason he was so upset was because i was laughing so hard when he stopped the bus and thus assumed i wasnt appreciative that he stopped. I told him that i was only laughing because i thought i had caught the last bus and didnt mean to come across as a punk. After saying this he asked if i had gotten home okay. At this point i knew i had just made amends and didnt have to worry about the situation anymore. i took my seat at the back of the bus and enjoyed an awkward but happy bus ride home.

Conversations With Francesco

 And now a slight change of pace from the last blog. While talking about different music formats i asked my knowledgable friend what flac. (a digital audio format) is. In case you didnt know, flac is a very high quality format music can come in but nobody uses it cause its file size is way bigger than conventional mp3's




Alexander Varoutas says
whats falc
flac

Francesco says
flac is a lossless audio codec

Alexander Varoutas says
meaning

Francesco says
it means g2school
it means that you don't lose any quality when you compress

Alexander Varoutas says
why doesnt errbody do it den
so wat if its big

Francesco says
filesize

Alexander Varoutas says
make bigger cd;s
we can call em vinyls

Francesco says
nobody wants big
they want small

Alexander Varoutas says
not dicks
everybody wants big dicks
OH THATS GOING IN THE BLOG

Francesco says
LOL


*Note to anybody reading this who didnt find it funny:
The more you read it the funnier it gets. Try reading it when youre angry or sad. Read it outloud.

All The Lonely People

Of all the times that Ive walked through this mall, I must have seen and forgotten a thousand faces.
Today however, one caught my eye. An older man, probably in his late forties early fifties, wearing a winter coat and hat sitting by himself. He was trying to enjoy a frozen yogurt. I know he was enjoying it because he wasnt doing anything else at the time and there was nobody with him. He was simply sitting alone in the food court, trying to enjoy a frozen yogurt.
There wasn't a look of enjoyment on his face though. He just looked...lost in his own thoughts. For all i know, he could be a father waiting for his kids who are preoccupied in a nearby store, or maybe a construction worker just taking a break from a job in the area., but i like to think its not that easy. Its the romantic in me. I want to think that there's something more to everyone i see. Of course i occasionally stay up at night wondering what kind life a specific person led and thinking about how ill never know, as is the case with this particular man.
Some people who have known me long enough may have heard me say that nothing makes me sadder than seeing someone eating alone. Maybe its because growing up i was used to eating being an activity that brought people together, and leads me to feel sorry for anyone i see eating alone. But its different when youre watching tv or doing homework. Its different when you have an occupied look on your face. Youre distracted. Youre not thinking about anything other than what you see.
This man was sitting alone at a table, staring in to the distance, not out of boredom but instead out of a lack purpose, and not eating because he needed to, but instead because he was trying to re kindle some feeling of happiness he looks as though hes forgotten. A happiness which may have escaped him when his kids moved out, or when his wife passed away, or even when he realized that he was never going to see the world through the eyes of a child again. Colours will never be as bright as they used to be, new experiences are now old, worn out chores. I could see it in his eyes, this treat he decided to buy himself wasnt helping. instead it was folding in the wind, like the feeble attempt it was to lift his spirits; to fill a whole so big that even he himself cant understand it.
There is no worse feeling than being sad and not knowing why, and this man didn't know why. As he sat, his memories teased him and he though to himself, "Why do i feel this way? I never felt sad like this before, what happened?" Nothing in his life changed though. Instead, it was the world around him that changed; for the worst. One day he woke up and realized that this wasn't the same world he knew when he was a child. And as this new and scary idea dawned upon him he slowly lost any hope of getting back to his old self and freezes on the spot. He thinks the quiet in the house must be getting to him so he decides to go for a walk. The fresh air does little to replace his anxiety though, he still feels as lost as before. As he comes around the mall he goes inside and see's the frozen yogurt shop. Memories from his childhood come fleeting back. Perhaps he and his father would go out for frozen yogurt every Sunday, or they brought him some when he was in the hospital. something from his past compels him until he says, "i think ill have some. This should cheer me up" As he sits and consumes his snack, however, he comes to the conclusion that the more he tries to enjoy it the less he actually does. Looking around the giant room he sees a young man with a notepad, scribbling away his thoughts. He pays him no mind and continues to get up and walk away. But as he's leaving he begins to think..."Of all the times that Ive walked through this mall, I must have seen and forgotten a thousand faces. Today however, one caught my eye..."

Theoden king stands alone....Not alone.

So its my sisters birthday and shes stuck in south Africa- rather, shes enjoying herself in South Africa helping the needy and feeding the hungry, for she IS the reincarnation of mother Teresa.
I would be lying if i said that i thought i would miss my sister at any point through out her absence. We never really talked or interacted much at home unless one of us wanted to change the channel which usually led to a fight and this would be the closest we ever got. However, it seems that now as the seventh month is nearing its end, i am beginning to actually notice her absence. Like the absence of that ambient humming you get from a florescent light, it took me a while to actually realize that she was gone, and you don't think you would mind, but you kind of miss it after a while. I kind of miss her eating all the ice cream before i get any, and i also kind of miss how she would enter the room and change the channel on the TV as you're watching the season finale of house and aren't going to get a chance to see it again until it airs again a few months down the road, by which time you've already fallen the fuck behind and just stopped watching the series all together cause who the fuck wants to continue if they missed the last episode of the season...KIND of miss it. I could still go without it though.

...anyways, happy birthday and i miss you and i await your return. Like Gandalf said to Aragorn in Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, "Look to my coming, at first light, on the fifth day. At dawn, look to the East." On the day you're coming back, We will be looking to the east for your plane. Ill probably be the only one thinking of lord of the rings though.

My Face

I like my face. As of late, i have stopped shaving. Not due to a change in religion however, i just want to see what i would look like with a huge ass bushy beard. The last time i let my facial hair grow out without any maintenance, i was asked to help defuse a dispute on the bus between two indian men yelling in urdu. It seems they thought i spoke the language. Its strange how changing different things about my face and head for that matter can lead to different assumptions about my nationality. If i let my hair grow out people think im black. If i cut it short people think im spanish. If i grow a beard people think im tamil. I wonder if rick ross is muslim...

Corrie told me to write this blog. and its kyles birthday.

This blog is essentially what the title says it is. Not a product of inspiration, but instead, a product of my attempts to impress corrie (whatever her last name is). BTW. ive had a few so theres no guarantee on the quality of this blog.

Today i went to a value villlage. and bought a bunch of vinyls i wnated and left a bunch behind as well. I left a bunch behind because my mother told me not to spend all my money on them and this showed me how much of a hold she still has over my life. i live in her basement...i mean...i know im only nineteen but shit...i could at LEAST live UPstairs...the basement is the real kicker.

ANYWAYS
its kyles borthday and i somehow managed to tell everyone about my blog. whether theyll check it again, ill probably find out next time im in, but until then ill write like they WILL see what im writing. Corrie is a girl (i know, shocker right?) at my work who told me to blog on today, kyle is the whitest kid i know(mind you, his last name is "beverly", i know right?) and it was his birthday so heres his shout out. THeres also bilama, racheal brad, josh and yoseph...and somebody i forgot...i think...anyawys we were at boston pizzas tonight for kyles birthday at they told me to write this but im SOOOO not in any condition to right about anything or anyone....fuck im tired....omg fuck this im going to bed......and ive already used WAY too many dots in this blog...

READ MY OTHER BLOGS I SWEAR THEYRE A LOT BETTER THAN THIS

NIGHT!

Tis The Season

Christmas shopping can be so frustrating when you don’t get to see or talk to the people that expect heartfelt, thoughtful presents from you. Its late and I have work in the morning but I haven’t written a blog for a while so ill make this short and sweet.

After asking several different people for Christmas gift ideas only to hear “gift cards are your friend” from all of them, I decided I should write a blog about why this is not an appropriate solution for my problems.

Gift giving is an arduous task that is split up between three groups of people: children, adults, and old people.           

The first group is children. Children range from about 5-16 years old and are expected to be creative and to make something at home with the help of an adult due to a lack of finance. An example of this is the ever so common “Macaroni Christmas Card”

            The second group is adults. Adults fall anywhere between the ages of 17-65 and are generally held up to the highest gift giving standard. This means that gifts have to be both thoughtful and have to be worth something. Of course, many adults are exempt from this rule if they aren’t working, but this just ends up manifesting in to a dinner table conversation on why you’re so irresponsible and don’t have a job yet at this point in your life. Most of the time, one must suffer through decades of this process before achieving the rank of “old person”

The third, and most coveted category, is old person. Old people fall anywhere above the age of 65 and typically don’t have to give a shit what you think of them or their gift giving abilities. Old people usually dont have the stamina necessary to walk around a mall for hours picking out the perfect gift for everyone on their list and have the excuse of tired muscles and aching joints to back them up, thus making this is the only category where gift cards and cash are acceptable. Those who feel younger and more energetic may embark on a journey to the mall for gift cards, but eventually they all end up just giving out cash.

This is why im not aloud to use gift cards and this is why I hate my age group.

Goodnight.

Deadly Sinners

Metal show from the perspective of an outsider and that of a true metal head.

Outsider

Francesco and his friend nick wore their favorite band shirts while I just wore a white t shirt and black jacket. (Remember that, its important.) I walked in to the club and was immediately greeted by the site of graffiti and stickers literally covering the walls of the stairwell leading up to the venue. i wasn't sure if the club owners were aware of the blatant vandalism taking place on their walls due to the extent of it but ill be darned if im going to play willy the whistle blower. i proceeded up in to the darkness of the bar where in the show would take place. it was dark and the air was heavy with the stench sweaty teenage boys who hated their parents. It seemed that these boys intended on "sticking it to" their parents by not bathing or cutting their hair and attending concerts and shows that are considerably detrimental to ones hearing. This is strange to me because i have never considered taking my anger on someone else out on my own body body, but this is also a growing trend with skateboarders who insist on hospitalizing themselves a minimum of three times a week in spite of their parents wishes.

Despite the generous amount of black lights hanging from the walls, seeing was difficult, and the fact that everyone was wearing black didnt help at all. Meanwhile i was getting hot so i decided to take off my jacket. Immediately following this was the sound of fifty metal heads nearby yelling "OH GOD MY EYES TURN OFF THE LIGHTS" With the help of all the black lights my white t shirt lit up like the gayest purple christmas tree you'd ever seen. Francesco was quick to say "Wow, you couldnt possibly stand out more." It was at this point when a black guy walked in to the club and francesco said "I stand corrected" I have nothing against a black guy listening to metal...but he was honest to god the only black guy there, except the bouncer, and even HE was like "The fuck you doin'". I was relieved to have someone to take the attention off of me and continued surveying the club. As the venue filled up i realized that, among the boys, there were a few girls also attending. The point im about to get to however isnt that women shouldnt go to metal concerts but instead that women that DO attend concerts like this are the scariest women in the world. For any fathers that might happen to be reading this blog, if your daughters wear black make-up and want to go to these types of show, i suggest letting them go and not getting in their way...because they will kill you. Of course Juri is an excpetion cause hes probably the one telling his daughter to wear black make up and listen to mayhem in the first place, but hes right to do so cause he knows this is the best way to protect her from the countless jocks and guidos shes bound to encounter in her life. One girl at the show arrived looking like Morticia Addams only to sit their through out the entire thing. She didnt crack a smile or throw the horns or even nod her head. These are the types of girls that will tie their dads to their bed posts and sacrifice them in their sleep for pissing them off. So stay the fuck out of their way and dont try talking to them, especially if theyre in the band too, which brings me to my next paragraph. 

After the first band, Borealis, had just finished playing it was time for the second to go on. About half way through the second bands set i came to the shocking realization that the vocalist that was growling and screeching like a Nazgul giving birth was in fact a GIRL. I also never really considered my mother a musical person in any way until that point, but anyways. This girl was pissed, and i have to say.. it was the sexiest thing i had ever seen. I imagine having sex with her would involve a lot of screaming and growling and guitar smashing, and then afterwards when shes done with you she eats you like a tarantula. This was one scary ass chick. I wanted to talk to her but by the time i walked up to her i had already pissed my self and gone in to cardiac arrest. Francesco and his friend had to carry me away and say i was drunk.

Eventually the feature band was up. Scar Symmetry. You couldnt imagine how excited i was to see them. My excitement level was somewhere between "guy whose never heard of scar symmetry" and "guy whose heard of scar symmetry but never bothered to listen to them". What i was more interested by was the size of the speakers they had set up for such a small room. I thought they came to play music, not renovate. After they got playing i quickly realized that if i didnt get earplugs soon the sound would not only make me deaf but actually power sand my ears right off of my head. Normally at that point i would be remarking upon the paradox that was music so loud that you needed earplugs but i couldnt think because my brain was being massaged from the inside out by the music. Then somebody tripped on a wire and the music stopped. The band played on but without the speakers and amp's on the guitars it just sounded like a temper tantrum on stage. After this had happened a few times, in between two of the songs, the guitarist yelled out "MAYBE YOU CAN TURN DOWNS MY GUITARS IT DOESNT HAVE TO BE THIS LOUDS I AM BLEEDING INSIDE MY EARS!" in the FUNNIEST SWEDISH ACCENT YOU EVER HEARD. Im serious i thought this guy was faking it! Then the singer yelled out "YEA AND TURN MY MIC UP" and the guitarist repeated "TURN MY GUITAR DOWNS" and the drummer yelled "WHATS AN ACOUSTIC" And then they sorted some shit out. One thing that caught me off guard was the staggering number of fights that broke out during the songs. I told my friend francesco and he explained that this was moshing. Moshing is a type of dancing people take part in at heavy rock concerts and it consists of running in to one another as hard as possible while flailing ones fists in any given direction. Then i got to thinking...

See at first i saw every individual characteristic of a metal head as just a unique feature that seperates them from others and makes them who they are. But it wasnt until the moshing that i came to a staggering realization..

dark cave like surroundings, long un-groomed hair, terrible posture and hygiene, a strange infatuation with loud noises and flashing lights coupled with spontaneous barbarism and brutish brawling to the rhythm of drums...these werent men and women interested in a genre of music out for a good time...these were modern day cavemen. These cavemen among people dress up during the day and attend jobs and schools only to go out at night and return to their primitive and instinctive behaviors with other members of their tribe.

All and all i found the show to be an eye opening event and in the end i felt almost enlightened to the cultures and lifestyles of people. I cant wait to go again. 

Metal Head

...it was brutal...

*Me and the singers from Scar Symmetry

Papa Loves Mambo

Let it be known that on November 9th 2010 at approximately 3pm I, Alexander-Hector-Gonzales-Lopez-Varoutas the third, officially started my first record collection. I say first because i foresee  a fire in the future but we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. Among the records i bought were Dean Martins Greatest Hits, Perry Como's Greatest Hits, and Abba-The Album, though that one was more for Daveena, though ill still enjoy it thoroughly. I ALSO just bought a record player that i know realize doesnt have a needle but ill be fucked if that stops me from enjoying these records. I hope to eventually add names like Julie London, Hectore Lavoe, Willie Colon, Tito Puente, and Louis Prima to my collection, along with Louis Jordon, and Frank Sinatra...and maybe some more Abba...and Django Reinhardt, and already ive gotten ahead of my self.  Anyways, i am happy that i gave birth to this new phase and i can only hope it survives long enough to be a hobby one day. OH AND TOM JONES!

Ok, on to filling you guys in on my life from the past few days and why this blog was so delayed. Writing a new blog has been a priority of mine for a while now, if not to entertain you guys, than just to make the ad's on the side change. I mention prince of persia once and suddenly my page is being bombarded with ad's for "sexy iranians" and "horny persians in my area". And the worst part is BOTH ad's just take me to sasan's facebook page, someone who i dont need to pay to webcam with me.

ANYWAYS, as i was saying, the reason my blog is so delayed. So rewind a bit back to friday night when im walking back from stc at 3am, which was ENTIRELY by choice mind you, it was nice out and i needed the exercise. I get home and my computers fine. Remember that, cause its important. So fast forward a tiny bit to saturday night. Im slightly wasted and getting driven home a a nice young girl i recently made friends with at my work. I walk in to the house and smoke my shin off of a stack of boxes full of nice, heavy tiles. This sobered me up instantly and allowed me safe passage down the stairs with out face planting and waking up the rest of the house, a house which instead of running to my aid would instead lie in bed convinced that a trip down the stairs was early punishment for waking them up....by falling down the stairs. But that didnt happen so shut up and let me move on with the bloody story. i go downstairs, in to MY room, the room in my house that no one else really has any reason to go in to, and find my computer stuck at a screen res. of 600x400 with no working graphics drivers in site and my sisters dirty fuckin fingerprints all over it.

(The above sentance for those of you who are computer impaired)

I walked in to the room to find my computer in a pool of its own blood with a knife in its chest, gasping for breath. I held it in my arms and yelled, "WHO DID THIS TO YOUU!" It whimpered.....C-C-Christina.....and died in my arms.

I stormed in to my sisters room, hit the lights, and yelled WHAT DID YOU DO TO HER! and she said, " I didnt touch your computer" Hard to fuckin believe considering the only other suspect is a woman so technologically impaired that if you gave her a baseball bat and told her to ruin my computer she would beat the keyboard to death. No, it had to be christina. To wrap up, i cant figure out whats wrong, which means its PRETTY fucked up, and im filling my time with records and books. which brings me to my next paragraph.

I spent an ungodly amount of money at indigo yesterday buying books that, like my friend repeatedly stated while we were there, im probably never going to read but fuck it, they make me look smart. First book is called Mafia. Its about the mafia...and its moslty for my sister cause shes taking a class in organized crime.(I didnt know York had a campus under the bridge in the park either.) The second book i bought was a beautiful encyclopedia for celtic, norse, greek, egyptian, roman and all other types of mythology. And the third book, "A Very Private Gentleman", is the book the recent movie "The American" is based on.

i could keep writing but im starting to lose interest in this blog, which means you probably didnt even make it to this sentance. Plus its not really a funny blog but i needed to rant. Rest assured ill make up for it with nothing but gold in my next blog.


P.s. Christina im writing this blog on your laptop, then im putting it in the dishwasher.

Mortal Kombat of our time

It seems lately the only thing that can motivate me to write recently is my feeling of sheer disgust or profound love for a movie I saw and want to share with the world. So then, as my favorite writer and video game reviewer says, let’s talk shittyness. 

Prince of Persia was such a terrible movie that I had to, now, the night before the longest day of my week, stay up and try to put in words how bad it was and how it made me feel. This being said, however, im also going to rush through this blog because tomorrow seriously is a long ass day and I wanna sleep. Also I love abba.

First things first. Who the fuck decided that the most appropriate accent for movies in ancient Greece, Middle Earth, and now Persia, is some weird hybrid of british and scotish and a bunch of other shit which is SUPPOSEDLY supposed to represent “high language” used by royalty but has no place in ancient Persia. (Lord of the rings is off the hook for this though) But prince of Persia? These are actors that make millions of dollars and don’t even have to TRY learning a Persia accent. That’s bullshit. Which just brings me to my next point. 

Who the fuck would want to see Jake Gyllenhaal attempt a Persian accent in the first place. No, he should have just stuck to being spider-man in my opinion. Honestly there was no reason for him to be in this movie at all. Even the stunts weren’t done by him. So who do I think they SHOULD have used?

……Jason Statham. 

Yes Jason Statham. Not only could he have pulled off all the stunts on his own while wearing a suit and driving across the desert in an audi, but he could ALSO take a swing at the accent, which could only make the movie better in the end. And WHILE were on the subject of actors, what the fuck was Ben Kingsley doing in this movie. Talent like that has no place in a movie as bad as this and I hope the people who kidnapped him and forced him to do the movie are caught and brought to justice. I feel the only fitting punishment for them would be something out of ancient Persia too, like cutting off their hands or being buried up to their neck in sand next to a hill of fire ants. 

What I think they should have done with the movie was loaded it full of Persian stereotypes like carpets and pillows everywhere and shitty interior design. That way it would at least seem like it had a sense of humor about it. Think about it. Wouldn’t you have enjoyed the movie better if they had discount electronics stores in the market places? Or if someone referred to the dagger as a “weapon of mass destruction”?

I'm tired. Goodnight.

P.s. Sorry Sasan. I tried to give you a mention in this blog but it’s a lot harder than you’d think . Maybe next time.

Up in the Air

I haven’t written a blog in a while and I don’t think I have anything interesting to write about but my latest blog isnt going to sell newcomers to my blog on my writing so I have to write something fresh and new. Here it is. Right now. Now. ……..now…..

Nnnnnnnow.

I just watched up in the air and I thought it was an excellent movie. Watch it. 

Next up, I just got a new job at canyon creek. I am an expeditor in the kitchen, a job which oddly enough does not involve ANY expeditions to far away countries to retrieve rare and sought after ingredients. Instead I am dressing salads and pairing steak knives with steaks before the dishes are sent out. Still good but, in the end, not what I was expecting. This means I'm working at zellers AND canyon creek at the same time. This makes me a single mother. I don’t know why I said that. If you were offended, im sorry, if not, your name is Francesco and youre currently texting me about how much better this blog is so far than the last one. ANYWAYS, that sentence was really difficult to word and I lost my train of thought. Ummmm…oh yes, my new job; Thank you Mildred. I also went to nuite blanche which turned out to be just a giant excuse for the city to throw its trash on the ground, and I mean the art too. But anyways, im now cultured for having gone to that so there you go. I cant think of much else to mention so lemme check my phone…nothing.

Well that’s all for my blog for tonight. Ill start writing more often though cause I just realized I started with nothing got this far.

PS    
I NEED SOMEONE TO TAKE MY FRIDAY SHIFT AT ZELLERS BADLY! IF YOU TAKE IT ILL GIVE YOU A SHOUT OUT IN MY BLOG AND YOU CAN LIE TO YOUR FRIENDS AND TELL THEM SOME GUY AROUND THE WORLD KNOWS YOU

Perfect

Delusional, psychotic, lying, conniving, insecure, troublesome, tiring, draining, jealous, grumpy, emotional, bi-polar, malevolent, envious, close minded, troubled, upset, foolish, defiant, stupid, confused, dangerous, defiant, frightening, depressed, stupid, uneven, unfaithful, abnormal, inconsiderate, crazy, cynical, impulsive, naïve, arrogant, stupid, so fuckin stupid, irresponsible, childish, immature, impulsive, scared, unsure, undeserving, innocent, stupid, lost, clueless, unstable..

broken bed keeping me up..